It is hard to know when it is time to stop racing. For some it is a change in life circumstances (job, family, age). For others it is an injury or illness. For others still it is a feeling of “being done”. I think for a bike racer, this is one of the hardest decisions to be made.

I’ll be honest, I’ve been grappling with these thoughts lately… My recent crash combined with feeling a bit “old” and thinking it might be time to get back to full-time work – has all contributed to these thoughts. As you can imagine, this makes for some challenging times!

I’ve had a lot of talk about this with Marc, Nikoline and others. What I’ve learned is that no one can make this decision for me – this one has to be all about me. So I thought and wanted to believe that I was done with racing my bike… And then I watched a few races on television – all it took was watching Scheldecross and Overijse on the weekend and watching some race clips last night with Sarah and I was convinced.

I miss bike racing. I really wish I could have raced this past weekend on two very awesome courses. (I raced Overijse in 2007 – it was my first UCI race in Belgium.) I missed seeing my racing pals and being part of the pre-race, race and post-race action. I felt jealous of my friends’ race experiences.

I’m not done. I’ve got more races in me. I want to have that season that I was ready to have this year. I want to do all the races I had planned on racing this year. I want to conquer my fears of the “Zolder descent”. I want to race on courses I’ve never been able to race on before.

So after much thinking, analyzing, talking and processing – I’ve decided that I’m not done. I love racing my bike. I’m pretty confident I’ve got more watts in my legs, more confidence in my heart, and a desire to get all I can from this cyclocross racing life.

So where does this leave me in the middle of December as I sit here injured and watching the 2011-2012 cyclocross season slip away? Well, I’m taking this time as my “off-season” – now is the time that I’m recharging my batteries, letting my body heal, giving my brain a break from constant thoughts of racing, training, recovery and technical skills practice, I’m being a bit more relaxed with my nutrition – and just generally taking this time for what it is. This way I’ll be all ready to go in January when I get the final okay to start training again – I guess in the end I’m pretty darn lucky to be able to go through this…

I meant to write this post yesterday but the day literally ran away from me. It has been an action-packed two days with Marc arriving on Tuesday and Sarah and Dan arriving on Wednesday. So, Wednesday was also a big day in one other regard – I had my appointment with the orthopedist surgeon…

Good news – I can start doing light rides on the trainer. I can ride for up to 45 minutes at a very easy pace and cadence. I’m not really training yet. Simply just riding. The doctor was impressed that I’m experiencing little to no pain (most days I have zero back pain). He explained the injury to me in further detail and really it is the muscle that attaches to the L3 that is causing the pain to occur.

The other thing the doctor told me is that I simply need to listen to my body. Easier said than done of course… But I understand that any signs of pain are not good – he said the moment I feel pain I need to stop riding because this is a sign that I’m not ready. I’ve promised Marc, coach Steve and Nikoline that I’ll be honest with myself and listen to my body.

In two weeks I’m allowed to try some riding outside and even do some mounts and dismounts… It will about another six weeks before I can start running again. And likely 10 weeks until I can get back into yoga and deep stretching. But this is all progress.

The one thing this does not mean is that I can start racing again this season. The doctor stressed that I cannot risk a fall. A fall would be very bad news. So the season is still over but at least I can do something now!

When I got back from the doctor yesterday and told Marc and Nikoline my good news, Marc asked “so why are you crying?”. My response, “because I’m so happy that I can ride again”. Perspective is huge – I’ll be riding the trainer indoors at a very easy pace while my friends are riding outside and getting to race – but at this point I’ll take it!

I love riding my bike. If it was up to me I’d go for long, hard, steady rides each and every day… I like riding alone. I like riding with a good group of people. I like lining up and racing. But right now I can’t do any of this.

I’ve been thinking a lot about racing and what my feelings are on it. A crash like the one I had really does put things in perspective. But I’ve realized after this past weekend that I’m still a racer. When I was out at Averbode, I walked the course and discussed it with Ignace. He pointed out how to ride certain sections and we talked about some good drills that could be done at the Averbode course.

This weekend is a big double race weekend here with Scheldecross and Overijse – two very awesome races. Overijse was the first elite women’s race I ever did and I’ve raced Scheldecross four times. These two races are classic courses and really are something else.

Initially I thought I’d be okay not racing these races… But, I want to race them. I wish I could race them. I love racing my bike. It is fun and it is a challenge. Next year, I’ll be back racing again.

Until then, I’ll live vicariously through Marc, Nikoline, and the rest of my cyclocross racing pals who are doing it here in Belgium.

Today was full of cyclocrosss… I didn’t get to race but I did go out to the race. Today there was lots of racing action in Averbode (just down the road from us). I went out to cheer on friends of ours that we’ve met over the years of racing. It was interesting to be on the other side of the fence. The course at Averbode was really good – lots of twists and turns, climbs, sand, a bit of road – a good mix.

I hung out with Ignace and we watched the racing and cheered on René and Danielle. It also gave me a chance to catch up with some of the women I race with as well. Actually it was an excellent few hours out.

This afternoon we had Ignace and Bjorn over to watch the Igorre World Cup on television – nice to hang out, chat and watch the racing. After a bit of chilling it out we were off to the Mie Maan for some food. Here we met up with Jos and Keirnan – so we had a good mix for supper. Lots of good stories and some laughs.

All in all, a good day. I also got out for an hour long walk in the woods. I’m not a huge fan of walking but it is better than doing nothing. Walking in the woods can be an interesting experience. Lots of people are usually out and today amongst the runners, dog walkers and cyclists I saw some folks giving their horses a workout:

Exciting news is that Marc is arriving on Tuesday!!!