At A Loss

This is hard. Really freaking hard. So hard that I stared at this screen and didn’t know how to get started. I’ve got so many emotions running through my brain and I really don’t know how to get them out or even make sense of them. One moment I feel like crying, the next I feel like punching something, the next I just shrug my shoulders and think “oh well”.

I’m sick again.

I haven’t been feeling great for the last couple of weeks. My gut has been cranky. My mood has been off. I generally have not been myself. Guess these are the signals that my body is getting ready to rebel and take over.

I don’t really know what else to say. I’m slowly learning that life with ulcerative colitis is a roller coaster. At least I can be happy in that I did make the most of the healthy times I’ve had. I managed a remission from September until the middle of May and I did a lot in this time: cyclo-cross racing, commuting to work, skate skiing, snowshoe running, spending lots of quality time with friends and family and simply enjoyed life.

So damn frustrating. I have no idea how long this flare will last or if it will get really “bad”. Time will tell I guess.

What I really hate about this whole thing is the way it impacts Marc. Last season he was stressed out and worried about me and this wasn’t good for his health and riding. And now here we are again. I don’t want this to impact his racing, riding, training and well-being – it just isn’t fair that two people have to be dragged down by it.

Okay, now I’m crying so I have to stop writing. Just promise me that you do something fun and awesome today.