I’ve been quiet. There has not been anything to tell you. Quite frankly, I have grown weary of being sick, talking about being sick, and living the life of a sick person. For a while I was able to trick myself into believing I wasn’t sick – but I learned this just isn’t the correct approach. This approach lends itself to covering up and hiding from true feelings and emotions and if there is one thing I’ve learned this summer – emotions and mental health are not to be covered up or ignored.
I had some days where I really just sat and wallowed in sadness. I felt sorry for myself. I felt sorry for Marc. I just felt sorry. Not good but maybe necessary.
Necessary to make me appreciate and recognize that there are so many good things happening now and to look forward to. Through-out this entire flare, I’ve avoided hospitalization and while there were weekends when I didn’t dare leave the house – I was still much better off than many other sick people.
It is not easy for me to say that I’m sick. But I’ve come to accept this. I have a chronic illness. It will never go away but it will go into remission. It won’t kill me but it does at times make my life highly unpleasant and not nice.
These are the cards I’ve been dealt. And my only option is to make the best of them.
Today I did something huge – I went for a 90 minute walk. This was massive for me. It was so refreshing to be outside and to not be worried about where the nearest bathroom was or what I would do if I couldn’t find one in the 10 second window my colon affords me. Today I just walked. Not fast. Not slow. Just moved my body. It was a great feeling.
Small steps are being made in the right direction. I just need to remember to keep things in perspective. I’ve got some goals that I want to accomplish in 2014 and I’ve got my sights set on how to get there. But right now, I have to focus on health rather than fitness. Being rather than doing. There is lots of time for me to rebuild my fitness, strength and endurance. For now it is long steady walks, low intensity yoga, dryland nordic ski training and learning how to calm the mind to help the body recover.
So this is where I’m at. Sorry there are no race reports, training updates or posts about bike racing, cyclo-cross or trail running. Fingers crossed that there will be soon. But more than likely I’ll be writing about skate skiing and snowshoeing…