It’s A Waiting Game

You know when you have a sore knee and there are days when it hurts less and days it hurts more. Regardless of the hurt, you try your best to do the things you enjoy and not let the hurt worry you too much. You wait for it to get better, hoping and believing that it will. Delaying that call to your physiotherapist and try some new stretches or some extra ice in the evening.

While I don’t have a sore knee – I do have a very angry colon and it’s kind of like that sore knee. Right now my colon is determining what I can and can’t do. While I try my best to maintain control, it’s a real challenge to assert this. Instead my colon is holding me captive and has got me in a holding pattern.

A holding pattern of generally not feeling very good at all. I have days when I feel better than the day before but honestly these better days really aren’t that great. After being sick for so long, my perspective on what “feeling good” and “feeling bad” really means are quite different from most people.

I’ve been in this flare since June 20. This is the longest flare I’ve been in since my diagnosis in 2009. Admittedly, this flare is starting to wear me down. I have days when I just can’t understand why this is happening to me. I shout out loud when I’m riding my bike and when I’m alone in the car. I shout at the sky, tears streaming down my face, demanding answers. But there are no answers. There are just the facts. The fact is I’m sick. I have to wait and maybe the new medication will work. We’ll know in eight weeks if the new medication is going to work.

Yes, eight more weeks of waiting. Eight more weeks of wondering. Eight more weeks of shouting at the sky. Eight more weeks of my answering the question “how are you feeling?” with “ah, pretty good”. Very few of you get an honest answer from me… You do the same thing. You could have an extremely sore knee but when I ask you how you’re feeling, you’ll shrug your shoulders, smirk and say “oh pretty good”.

I wish I could wake up tomorrow and be better. And in fact I did have a two week run where I tricked myself into believing that I was “cured”. Yep, a desperate person will believe anything… My symptoms went away. I felt like I did in early June. But this two-week reprieve is long gone. I’m back to where I was before (but a bit worse). I don’t know why my colon cut me some slack for two weeks – likely part of some big cruel joke on its part to get my hopes up. I’m starting to wonder if I’m actually the one in charge here.

So for now, life rolls along like normal. I work. I ride my bike. I race my cyclocross bike. I eat food that I enjoy. I wait.

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