Some Days Are Hard

Last week I had a hard day. A day and an appointment that I had been anticipating for three months had finally arrived… Never have I so looked forward to a medical appointment.

I left the appointment feeling devastated, down, sad and angry at the world. I was angry, upset, disappointed and feeling a bit beaten up. In an instant I saw all my hopes and plans for 2017 disappearing with one simple sentence “No, more like months, we think maybe you can have surgery between April and June. Not between February and April.”.

The only word that stuck in my brain was June. June. June is too late. Eight weeks of recovery before I can ride again. Eight weeks of nothing but walking. I would never be ready for cyclocross season. There go the 2017 goals. Again another season of goals being wiped out by illness and recovery.

Fuck I was angry.

I wanted to give up. To roll over. To stop training. I couldn’t see the point. I didn’t believe I had it in me to do this all over again. So I felt sad, angry, hurt and disappointed.

I wallowed in this for the entire evening. I ate a lot of dark chocolate. I drank the best hot cocoa I’ve ever made. I had All Bran Choco for supper.

Then the next day, I woke up and realized that life does indeed go on. Okay, time to pull on my big girl panties and get on with it. I realized that I’ve beat big odds before and this is just another challenge. And well, I just might be able to have the surgery in April or May.

And then this week, those of us in the Canadian and American cycling community got some very devastating news about a wonderful young woman. News that is so sad and fucking frustrating that it makes me sit in silence. When I learned of what happened to young Ellen, I found myself questioning everything. How can this happen? Where is the God that is supposed to look out for the good? Why are we so caught up in work and getting ahead when what truly matters is finding joy and doing what you love?

Yeah, it’s pretty hard for me to feel angry about a delay in my surgery date now.

Oh, and about those new year resolutions. Please don’t. You’re good the way you are. Don’t sweat the small stuff. If you want to make a resolution, how about something like:

  • Smile at a stranger.
  • Help out for no reason other than to help.
  • Resolve to truly listen when someone finds the courage to speak up.

Some days are hard. Some days are downright rotten. Some people are going through really hard times. Resolve to think of this when you’re frustrated because you can’t lose five pounds or fit into those skinny jeans.