Lingering

I’ve had this gnawing pull to write a blog post for a few days now. The only problem is, there’s simply not much to say.

I’ve been riding a bit – not as much as I’d like. I’ve signed up for another pottery class. I’m doing the local cyclocross series around Ottawa on Sunday mornings. I’m slowly teaching myself to draw thanks to a very well-written and illustrated book. I had a silly fall on my mountain bike last weekend and sprained my thumb. That’s really about it.

I kind of feel like I’m just lingering. Waiting for things to happen or even turn around. The lack of control that comes with the long-term status quo of lingering can be tiresome and unnerving. The not knowing and the weariness of wondering if it will ever end can be a lot to manage.

When it gets to this point – the point where I am now, I get fed up. I feel the need for action and for something to happen. Normally, I would tell myself “right then get up and do it then”. But I can’t do this. I’ve got something new keeping me at a standstill – fear.

Fear of not knowing what could happen. I’m used to riding and training. I’m used to feeling alive through my ability to sweat and suffer. But this is coming with a heavy price right now. So what is a person supposed to do? I’m about ready to say “to heck with it – let’s get back on the two-wheeled horse and start moving forward”.

If not for my physical health, but for my mental health. This waiting for results and waiting for phone calls about doctor’s appointments in the distant future is no way to get through the day. Yes, there are days when I’m so tired that I can’t walk up the stairs without being winded and needing a little sit down. But then there are the days when I feel like I could ride for hours and hours.

It’s time for compromise. Time to live fully on the days when I can and time to take the extra nap on the days when I need it.

And no, I can’t find other ways to live fully. A full life for me means I ride my bike. This might not make sense to you. Well, think about that thing that you do that gives you a full life. Now, take it away. How do you feel? Exactly. Now you understand why this lingering cannot continue.

 

 

 

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