See Ya 2018

The thing is, the last two weeks and a bit have been a bit rough. Yes, you guessed it – I’m sick again. What started with a slightly irritated eye turned into anterior uveitis which them morphed into shingles on my forehead, scalp, and left eye.

This is the opposite of fun. And to be honest, this recent bout of sickness nearly broke me. I was finally pushed to my point of no return. Never before have I said to Marc, “I feel like I’m dying“.

It wasn’t the pain that made me say this. It was the feeling of giving up. Giving up the fight against this body of mine that seems to hate me.

I really was optimistic with the start of 2018 that once I had my final surgery, the health problems would be over. This simply is not the case. I haven’t felt well since August. Something is off, but according to my blood work, everything is normal.

When doctors keep telling me that there is no indication that there is a problem, it begins be a bit hard to hear. I guess I’m imagining my fatigue, the breathlessness, the small intestine pain, the blockages, the racing heart rate, and the general feeling of being unwell.

And now, still after the acute peritonitis and this crazy storm of uveitis (likely thanks to a funky little gene called HLAB-27) and shingles – I’m still considered to be healthy.

So yeah, now I feel like my body is winning this battle. I try to do everything right – eat healthy, exercise regularly, keep my stress low, get adequate sleep, etc., etc.

But it’s not working. I can’t stop the battle that my body is waging.

Normally this is when I write about looking forward or being optimistic or doing the best with what I have. I can’t write this anymore. I don’t feel this. I’m at the point where hope just seems to end in disappointment and sadness.

So now, I’ve accepted that it is what it is. After nine years on this sickness train, I’m okay with it. This is how it is going to be for me. Better than me than you – I know how to handle it.

I realize this post could be considered to be a bit of a downer – don’t worry. I’m okay. I’m in a new place. I have finally admitted to myself that there is nothing I can do to stop the chaos that is happening in my body. It really is out of my control.

Fortunately, thanks to 2018 Boston Marathon winner, Des Linden, I have a good quote to think of in times like these, “All I can do is control the controllables“.

 

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