For a long time I identified myself as a bike racer. I rode my bike to get strong and powerful for bike racing. If there was a road race, criterium or cyclo-cross race I was there. I lined up a lot and race a lot. I liked it. I loved it. This racing fuelled me. I saw the world thanks to bike racing and I met so many fantastic people thanks to bike racing. I did things I never imagined I would ever do.

Last year, I decided to quit bike racing. It had been a rocky few years with this darn ulcerative colitis and a scary injury to my back and then getting sick again last May. That was it – I was done. I needed to get healthy and just ride my bike for fun. No more racing. No more training plans. No more race stress. No more self-imposed expectations. I would ride if I wanted and if not well, I wouldn’t ride. I felt content about this decision. Then September rolled around – the local cyclo-cross season was starting and thanks to modern medicine, I found myself in a remission.

Hmm, why not race? It will be fun and get me out riding. Oh man, I was freaked out and nervous. I wasn’t even sure I could get around the course – zero fitness and little to no energy. But I went. I lined up. I pedaled. I smiled. I had fun. In fact the most fun I’d had in a very long time at a bike race. I was simply riding and doing what I could. I didn’t worry about who was ahead of me or behind me. I just rode. I had nothing to lose but so much to gain. Admittedly it was hard to not be at the front duking it out with fast Ottawa girls. But I learned so much more about myself from racing with the very limited tools I had. But what made it so much more than I could have ever expected were the people – people cheering me on, the other women who I raced against hugging me after the race, the encouragement from others, seeing the young teenage girls learning and thriving, and just being so welcomed into such a community of people. In years past, I would never have experienced this – doing a serious pre-race warm-up, racing and then quickly changing and zipping off for a long cool down ride.

And now here I sit. Last week was a rough week. I was tired. Really tired. For the first time ever, I didn’t do my planned work-outs. In fact I didn’t even feel like riding my bike. On Wednesday I tried really hard to convince Marc that I was ready to quit. That I didn’t want to race anymore. That I hated the scheduling and programming of my life around work-outs. That I was missing out on so many other things. Luckily Marc is a very strong and steady voice of reason and calm…

On Friday I did feel a bit better and after a good talk with my coach, I felt even better. Plain and simple – I was tired. It had been a big training block and it was natural to feel so tired. We’d continue with the planned work-outs and take a rest week this week. Perfect. The riding this weekend went really well. And there was proof positive that I’m learning – on Sunday I started to get quite tired at around the four hour mark of my planned five hour ride. My legs felt heavy. I was starting to feel a bit cold (some kind of weird temperature shift happened). My work-out plan was four to five hours – so in an uncharacteristic move, I elected to cut the ride short and ride for 4.5 hours. I recognized that I was tired and that forcing out the extra 30 minutes wouldn’t really give me anything.

And now I’m thinking about racing. I registered for the eQuinelle Grand Prix – a criterium that promises to have some very fast ladies lining up. I have no idea what to expect. I haven’t raced my road bike in a very long time. I used to love racing my road bike. I used to really love racing criteriums. So I’ll go and see what happens. So am I a racer again? Yes, yes I am a racer again. But I’m not the same racer I was. Instead of being compelled to race every race possible and to chase UCI points and results – I simply want to race. To line up and have some fun. Take some chances, attack, recover, finish upright and at the end of it all – be satisfied with the day. Last year I couldn’t do this and I would never have imagined that I’d be able to do it again.

Often it takes a big moment to make you really understand why you do that thing you do. Experiencing this big moment is a good thing and I’m glad I’ve gone through it.

On Tuesday morning in my yoga class, my yoga instructor talked to us about approaching our yoga practice with a beginner’s mind. Essentially this means, leaving ourselves open to possibilities, opportunities and discoveries. To not get caught up in repetition or routine.

I found this to be an excellent reminder of how to approach my yoga practice and so many other aspects of my life. Often our lives become so routine – we repeat patterns over and over until things generally start to feel mundane. Remember your first few weeks at your current job? Everything was so new – the people, your role, the way the company operates, etc – after a while this changes and it is so easy to get sucked into not being as stimulated and challenged as you were in the beginning. Or think of your training rides – you likely have one route you choose for short intervals, another for tempo rides, another for threshold efforts and then your favourite long ride loop – some days it seems so boring to go out and ride those same roads.

If you find these patterns and routines happening – try to remember what brought you to yoga or to your bike or to the new job in the first place. Remember how excited and challenged you were in the early days of your training routine and day-to-day life routine.

This is something I’ve been trying really hard to embrace. On the bike this is still quite easy for me since last season I wasn’t able to ride any of my favourite training routes – this season I’m making up for it the best I can. As for work, well one of the good things about being a technical writer is that I’m challenged everyday – to write documentation that explains complicated concepts to others as well as to learn and understand the software I’m documenting. On the yoga mat, I try to really listen to my instructor and understand how I can “release my shoulder blades” or “tighten my triceps” or “use my core”.

I suppose the beginner’s mind really comes down to not losing sight of why you’re doing what you’re doing. Remember why you chose to do it in the first place.

So this is a new thing for me. Today I didn’t do my work-out. I had planned to do it. In fact I was pulling on a leg warmer when the decision was made… The thing is, I’m tired. I’ve been tired since Saturday but didn’t really want to admit it.

On Sunday, I didn’t want to ride. I blamed the wind and the cold. Normally these things are not a problem for me. I made myself go out because I knew I’d hate myself for not going. In the end, I’m really glad I went out and rode.

Monday was a weights day. So I got up at 5:00 a.m. and made my way to the gym for my weight work-out. I felt tired all day and sleepy but basically brushed it off.

Today, well I got up at 5 a.m. again and went to yoga class. I felt good – really good. Then the fatigue set in. I found myself being grouchy at work for no reason at all. I ate foods I don’t normally eat. I felt like I needed some coffee to wake up. Yes, tired.

But still I planned to do my ride. Luckily I have a very smart, caring, and patient husband. Mid-leg warmer pulling up, Marc came upstairs and highlighted how I’ve been the last few days: grouchy, sleepy, and just generally wiped out. My response was “I’m just tired. I need to go ride”… If Marc hadn’t been there to reason with me, I would have dragged myself out for my ride.

Why would I have done this? Because I’m programmed to do so. I’ve always done what I’m told to do. If the calendar says ride for four hours – I ride for four hours. If I’ve planned to cook three new recipes this week – I cook the three new recipes. If we’ve run out of chopped celery and carrots – I get up early and chop them because we have to have them. If the newspapers are making a mess in the living room – I tidy them up and likely move a bunch of other stuff around as well. Because this is the way I am…

But sometimes this is not the right way or best way to be. There is being focused, driven, hardworking, and dedicated and then there is not listening to my body when it is telling me to slow down and take a breath. So today I’m doing it. It is a beautiful day outside and I’m siting here on the chesterfield. I watched Top Chef Canada, ate some food, had some tasty cookies, and now I think I’ll read. The dishwasher needs to be emptied, we’re out of chopped celery and carrots, I haven’t made the lunches for Wednesday, and the laundry needs to be put away – oh well – that is what Wednesday is for.

This is not easy. Inside, my brain is saying:

Missing this work-out could be my downfall come cyclo-cross season – there is a reason why I was supposed to do start intervals today – and now I’m not doing them. I really shouldn’t have eaten those cookies – even though they were made of super healthful ingredients. I don’t know what I’ll do for lunch tomorrow or what we’ll have for supper on Wednesday. Yeesh, I should have gone for that ride.

I know it will all be fine in the end, but damn it’s so hard to fight the programming.

I did it! I raced my mountain bike. It was hard. It was very technical. It was challenging. It was wet. It was slippery. It was a lot of fun. I’m going to do it again.

On Saturday I loaded up the car with my brand spanking new Opus Fhast 2 29er and drove out to the Charlottenburg Forest near Cornwall. I had no idea what to expect, but I assumed it would all work out just fine. And this is it did!

When I arrived the morning race was just getting ready to start – very low key relaxed atmosphere with a registration tent and a couple tents set up for people to stand under to keep dry. It really reminded me of the cyclo-cross races I used to do in Belgium – everyone parked in a big field and a good group of friendly people out to race, cheer and organize the race.

I met the organizer of the East Cup Mountain Bike Series, a super friendly guy who is trying really hard to offer folks in Eastern Ontario a good mountain bike race series. I arrived quite early so I had time to hang out, eat and get my bike ready. Eventually some familiar faces arrived, it was great to have Nick and Rob there to give me advice, convince me to take lots of pressure of my tires and most of all to reassure me that I could do this race.

Since I hadn’t ridden a mountain bike for quite some time or raced in a long time, I really had no pressure or expectations. Throw in that this was only my second time on the big 29er and I really was just out for a fun time. I did have a fun time but admittedly there were moments when I wasn’t smiling.

I registered for the Expert/Pro category – in hindsight this might have been a mistake, but thanks to the low-key atmosphere, no one minded that I was in over-my-head. The race was four laps of a five km rocky, rooty, slippery and very technical race loop. After my warm-up lap, which resulted in a hard crash, I was having second thoughts but after talking to Nick, I was ready for it. My attitude was “just go out and ride. Enjoy being in the woods.” So this is what I did.

I lined up at the back of the pack of 20 or so guys and one other girl. Everyone took off like a rocket – and then I started! I caught a few people on the early climb but soon lost them when we hit the singletrack. I just raced my “race”. I simply did what I could – there were sections that I simply couldn’t ride, so I got off and ran. My first lap was okay. The second lap was filled with crashes – I think I crashed three times in that lap. I was also passed by a lot of people in the second lap – so impressive to see how smooth people were riding. The third (and my final lap) was better – I didn’t crash and I was able to ride sections I couldn’t ride previously. I had the option of doing a fourth lap, but declined – I had been out there for a while and was pretty sure a fourth lap would only result in more crashes.

Each time I came through the start/finish, Dan, the organizer shouted encouragement and gave me some tips, such as “loosen up the death grip”, “spin more”, “move forward on your saddle”, “you’re doing great”. This helped so much. I had a good chat with Dan and Nick after the race about my bike set-up – so I’m going to make some changes which should help with my riding.

All in all, a great experience. This course was likely not the best for me to return to mountain bike racing and riding on – I struggled a lot – but in the long run this first season mountain bike racing and riding experience will pay off. If I can ride on very narrow, technical, and slippery trails then when it’s dry and a bit less intimidating, I’ll be good to go.

Many thanks to all the guys who passed me and gave me words of encouragement. This was just a very welcoming and encouraging race experience. People were happy that you were out riding. Just the way it should be.

Admittedly, today I’m a bit sore – I’ve got lots of bruises all over and my bike is a big muddy mess (with a slightly bent rear derailleur) but this is all part of the experience. I just need to get better so I don’t crash as much!

If you’re looking for a good series of mountain bike races that don’t require driving to Toronto, definitely check out this series.

(Big congrats to Nick for taking the big win in his category. The Cyclery colors look good on the podium!)

So I’m racing on Saturday. It has been a long time since I’ve raced. And a really really long time since I’ve done a mountain bike race. In fact I think the last mountain bike race I did was in 2006… So to say that I’m stressing and obsessing would put it mildly.

My last mountain bike race at Mt. Tremblant.

As I was driving home to Ottawa this morning after a great weekend in Lakefield visiting my parents, exploring the roads and hanging out with the fine folks at Wild Rock Outfitters in Peterborough (especially the Flirtees girls) – my brain started to work its magic. First, I realized that I left my fancy schmancy spatula/spoon that I bought specifically for my super duper Vitamix – in the drying rack on Coyle Crescent… Shoot. Oh well, a good reason for my parents to pack up their kayaks and my dad to bring his power tools for a weekend of Ottawa kayaking and deck building (and spatula schlepping).

Right, seem to have got off track there – this happens sometimes…

Saturday I’m racing my brand spanking new Opus Fhast 2 29er. I’m nervous. I realized I have no idea what tire pressure to use or even how to determine what tire pressure to use. Should I use my Camelbak or a bottle/cage. I could get a flat tire, then what will I do. I don’t even know the protocol for pre-riding and warming up. Is it too much to expect to ride a lap of the course before the race. How do you warm-up for a mountain bike race? I don’t even know how to pace myself – go from the gun, play catch and pass, or what?

Yes, I feel like a first time racer. I want to have a good race but I have no idea what to expect. What is a good race in this situation? I don’t even know how to pace myself because I have no idea how long the race will be. Yes, stressing and obsessing are the appropriate terms.

Luckily I have a secret weapon. Her name is Lois. I emailed Lois and asked her all my questions. She gave me some very sensible answers and has calmed my nerves a little bit. But I know on Friday night and on Saturday I’ll be going a bit crazy brainish again. This is a good thing though – right? I guess all I can do is clip in, look down the trail (not at my front tire), pedal hard, remember to drink some water, smile and enjoy the moment. (But I really really would like some more pointers – so if you have some – I’m ready for them!) One more question – how do I attach my number to my bike – do I need to bring my one straps…