Wow – I’m generally not left wordless… But you guys have done just that. I’ve received a number of amazing emails and comments about my last few posts. The support and understanding truly has been overwhelming. It is challenging for me to describe the effect your words have. Just know that they really do mean a lot and I take everything you have to write and say to heart.

So on this fine New Year’s Eve, I just want to say thank-you. Thank-you for the support. Thank-you for the encouragement. Thank-you for the cheering. Thank-you for the photos. Thank-you for the pit work. Thank-you for the drives to races. Thank-you for the advice. Thank-you for the hugs and pats on the back. Thank-you for the tough words. Thank-you for understanding. Thank-you for helping me stick to my goals and dreams. Thank-you for helping make my goals and dreams a reality. Thank-you for being part of Ottawa Cross.

Thank-you.

I was out riding today and this thought popped into my brain “how do I define a great race? how do I even define a good race?”. This lead me to my next question “have I ever really been satisfied with a race?”. Even if I get a “good” result on the score sheet, I always want to do better. So is it possible to truly have a “great or good race”? What do you think? I suppose winning the World Championships would have to be considered having a great race. But we have to keep things in perspective here.

Funny how that word perspective just crept in. It really is so key to this season I’m having. Perspective. Remember where I was. Remember where I’m going. Remember what got me here. Remember that as I improve so does pretty much everyone else I’m racing against. Just like I’m out practicing descending, corners, climbing – so too is everyone else on the start line.

Not a big word really – perspective. But its ramifications and implications run so much deeper and stronger.

I guess I should step up and answer my own questions… Nope – don’t think I’ve had a great race yet. I’ve had a few good races. These were races where I was able to push my body to another level or where the course really didn’t suit me but I was able to buckle down and turn it into a good situation or there were the races where in the end I didn’t have an outstanding result but I stuck my neck out and took some chances and “made” the race. I strongly suspect that I won’t have a great race for a while. Part of always wanting more.

Speaking of wanting more. Just want to let you know that I’m okay. I’ve got my head screwed on properly again. I thought a lot about things last night. I talked with Marc more about things last night. I went out and had a fantastic ride today. Hit my favorite trails. Focused on only one thing – keep pedaling. My brain was clear, my feet ticked over, I think I was smiling, and I pushed my edge here and there. A good ride. The reset button has been pushed. I didn’t crack. I came close, but luckily the experiences of last year came back and reminded me that cracking is really so not worth it. The crack can quickly turn into a crevice which can lead to a canyon… And frankly, I don’t want to go on that trip again.

So I’m okay. Not good. Okay. I’m pushing forward. Moving ahead. Feeling better about things. And you want to know something cool? I’m ranked 42nd in the World! How cool is that? Can’t really feel sorry for myself when I’m ranked 42nd. Very cool.

Fun on bikes was definitely had today. Perfect weather for a ‘cross ride: 8 celsius and raining. Tossed on the trusty Sealskin socks and gloves and the super duper waterproof MEC pants (mine have a hole in them, but they still rock), plugged into the iPod, and hit up the local trails and roads. Me, the bike, and no brain. Just the great outdoors. Doesn’t get much better.

As for racing. Well, I’m racing on Jan. 2 in Sint-Niklaas with the junior boys and then on Jan. 3 in Tervuren in a UCI women’s race. Should be a couple days of good solid racing. I’ve always wanted to race at Sint-Niklaas – the course looks like a lot of fun and besides I’ll be there working the pits for Marc anyway, so I might as well race! I’ve never raced in Tervuren before so I’m looking forward to racing on a new-to-me course.

Plans are coming together for the trip to the Czech Republic for the World Championships. Looks like we will be traveling in style… I’ll tell you when I definitely know the full details!

Alright, I’m out. I’ll leave you with a quote from my friend and sponsor Skip (he said this today during our Skype chat):

“If you don’t try it never happens”

I was so tempted to put another title on this blog post. One that truly expresses how I’m feeling right now. But I’m working really hard right now in seeing the “positives” and the “small successes” – so I’m not going to be a downer from the get go.

Today was not my best day on the bike. And it has nothing to do with feeling sick yesterday. I woke up today feeling pretty good – a few pains but nothing I haven’t trained or raced with before. Today I let my mental game get the better of me. I had a not very good pre-ride – skittish and tense. Which was frustrating since I really like this race course and I’m comfortable with mud (I’m not that fast in the mud – but I’m not afraid of it). It is thanks to Marc and his help that I toed the line today. I started the race with a renewed sense of enthusiasm and some smallish goals.

Things were going okay. Typical slowish start. But I’m good at recovering from this. Then I crashed and ended up twisting my saddle so it was pointing in the complete opposite (horizontal) direction. This cost me a lot of time and positions. I had to run things I normally ride. I had to stand on the side of the course and jam my saddle into a somewhat straight position -though it was still pointing up. I put my head down and tried to catch and pass. But I was so far out of the race it was futile. Rode to the pit – got a clean bike and rode to the car. Not good. (Race Report)

So now where do I go from here? Well, I can wallow in self-pity and self-induced misery. Or I can be realistic and take each race as it comes and with it each small improvement that I’m making. I think the problem is that I don’t see my improvements. Others are seeing them. But I’m not seeing them. I look at the results sheet and I’m still where I was at the beginning of my Belgian season. Hard to convince myself that I’m improving. I think I’m actually taking the easier route – telling myself that I’m not very good – so that I have an “out”.

But, I know deep down this is not the attitude that I want to portray. It is definitely not the attitude and perspective that got me where I am right now. But it is hard to remind myself of that when I’m not satisfied with where I am right now.

It is so darn hard. It is hard to want to be something and to not be there. It is so tempting to roll over and give in. But I’m a bigger person than this. I need to remember that the goal was to race at the World Championships – not to win it! I guess this is what makes me a “type a” person. Never satisfied and too critical of my own self.

So I came really close to cracking again. Really really close. There was not one race or experience that was working its way into my brain to bring on this crack. Nope. I did it all to myself. I initially had too high of expectations. Then I reset and focused on improving on my weaknesses. But as always happens with me, I failed to see the small improvements that I’m making with my weaknesses. So the negative self-talk and the frustration set in.

I’d like to say that right here and right now, I’ve beaten the crack. But lets just say, I’ve applied a thin layer of silicone and I’m not letting anything else nasty in. I’ve got a pair of binoculars and I’m only looking forward and focusing on the improvements and gains I’m going to continue to make.

It really is pretty cool to race my bike on Boxing Day. Boxing Day is one of my favorite days. Not sure why really – guess because traditionally in my family it was a day where we could really unwind and just do “what we wanted”. Typically this meant, playing some road hockey with my brother and his friends and then relaxing with one of my new books. A perfect day for a kid growing up in Northern Saskatchewan.

And now, a great Boxing Day means racing in one of the biggest cyclo-cross races of the season and then coming home to relax with a good book and my favorite guy. For extra spice this year, this also means hanging out with our new friends from Denmark, Canada, and the U.S. Really doesn’t get much better.

I’ve written a race report. Not a race I’m happy with. No do overs. Just “do betters”.

Funny because I had a good warm-up today. Yesterday the “big” descent was not open. So today my mission was to conquer this descent. And I did this. In the warm-up I crashed the first time down. But I picked myself up, climbed up the descent and rode down it properly. I then rode the rest of the course and then came back to ride the descent again. Again, I got down it. Good. Feeling confident. Last year, this descent really scared me. So I was happy to roll back to the car knowing I could ride the descent. Rest of the warm-up routine went well.

Many thanks to Tim for taking my bike to the pits and to Jos for taking my warm-up clothes. Also big thanks for Jacob for looking after my bike during the race. Big shout out to everyone for the cheering and support before, during and after the race. Great to hang out with Luc again as well.

So when I approached the big descent the first time during the race, I was ready for it. Confident. Knew I could get down it. Well, I didn’t. I crashed. Hard. Damn it. Lost contact with the group and played catch up and survival. Then each time I came to the descent I would try but I didn’t try hard enough. I couldn’t ride it. It got the better of me. Damn it. This frustrates me. I’m a better rider than this. I let fear catch me today. Ridiculous because I’ve ridden down harder. Yes, I’m ticked off with myself. I need to do better. I have to do better. I put in the hard work physically and I need to ride better technically. I have the skills. I just have too much “brain” happening and not enough “freedom on the bike”.

Since I got lapped, I was pulled. So I rolled to the car… It was locked. I had no dry clothes to put on. Luckily I found Geoff Proctor and he let me hang out in the U.S.A tent for a bit. Then a super friendly guy helping the U.S. team staff member saw me shivering and told me to get in the van. So I surprised Brian Matter, Justin Lindine and Els Delaere. But luckily no one minded and I got warm in their van as these two guys got ready for the elite men’s race. Many thanks to Geoff and his guys/gals for helping me out.

I eventually hopped on the trainer and got a good cool down in. Talked to Luc about the race – always interesting to get another perspective on the race. Then Marc arrived! Marc raced today so he made it only at the end as I was finishing my cool down. But it was great to have him there. We made a quick get away from the race and managed to catch the end of the elite men’s race.

Many thanks today to all the people who helped me out: Tim, Jos, Jacob, Luc, Geoff, and Marc. Also super nice to have lots of people to talk with during warm-up and pre-ride. Gabby Day was super encouraging with the descent. Nice to talk with Nancy Bober as well. This type of friendship and community really helps smooth out some of the rough edges to race day. I know that even when I go to a race alone, I will have people to talk with, to help me out, and to encourage me.

So what’s next? Well, in short order – I need to get better. I have it in me. I really just need to unleash it. I need to ride my bike with the unbridled attitude of a 12 year old boy – no fear. Just going for it. Big smile plastered on my face, trying to beat my buddies racing around the block.

Not only is it Christmas Day but for us cyclo-cross racers it is also Zolder World Cup pre-ride day. This means it becomes a rather and hectic day. The day started off in typical bike racer fashion – slow to rise and then some quality time in front of the computer. And of course since it was Christmas Day, we did make the trip to the bakery to get some Christmas treats for everyone.

The pre-riding went really well today. Marc was super patient and gave me some very good tips and encouragement. It can be a challenge to do this with your spouse… But each time we go through the pre-ride we get better doing this. We did one lap nice and easy to check out the lines and then we sectioned the course piece-by-piece. This was the best way to learn how to tackle the various sections.

So, this course is challenging. But super fun. I actually like this course. Last year I was intimidated by it. But this year is a different year. I can ride everything. I can get down the descents. The descents aren’t graceful or blissertingly fast, but at least I can get down.

Had a blast today out there. Got to see lots of people. Wish everyone a Merry Christmas. It was just plain old fun on the bike.

The only twist today was that we couldn’t get our parking passes before the manager’s meeting… So Marc stayed behind and picked up the passes for the Canadians. I hopped in with the Hoppner’s and they dropped me off here at Blauberg. Marc had a long night at the meeting and is now slaving away in the garage cleaning the bikes.

Looking forward to a fun day at the races. I’m thinking of wearing the red leg warmers tomorrow. It is Christmas after all.