Ah, the rebuilding phase. This is a training phase that I’ve become very familiar with. It seems like I’ve been in a constant rebuild phase since 2011.

This time around, it feel very different. I suppose partly because I feel like the worst of the ulcerative colitis is behind me. I’m comfortable living, training and racing with my ileostomy now.

Because of this I believe that there really aren’t any obstacles or unknowns in my way. Yes, I do need to have another surgery (I should have a better idea of this date before Christmas). But until the day before the surgery, it’s full steam ahead on rebuilding.

This full steam ahead sensation is something I haven’t experienced before. Previously, I always had some lingering doubt. I couldn’t really trust my body, the medication, or my cranky colon to play along and let me get back to full-on living.

But now I truly believe that the only thing that can hold me back is me. And the wonderful gift of this is that I’m in complete control of me. I can control whether I do get up at 5 a.m. to get my ride in before work. I’m in control of how hard I push myself. I’m my own motivator and cheerleader. I’m the one who puts the expectations on to get the core, yoga and TRX workouts done.

Finally, I’m truly responsible and in control of what I can achieve. The faulty organ is gone. Sure I still have extra intestinal ramifications of ulcerative colitis (because ulcerative colitis is an auto-immune disease, even though my colon has been removed, I’m not actually cured. I still get unexplained fatigue, joint pain, intestinal problems, light headedness, etc) – but these are easier to manage than a full-blown flare.

So yeah, I’m happy, actually I’m thrilled to be rebuilding. The one thing I’ve really been gifted thanks to ulcerative colitis is perspective. For this, I count myself lucky. After all, at the end of the day, it’s just a bike and I do this for fun.

I didn’t race in Sherbrooke last weekend at the Canadian Cyclocross National Championships. I had planned to race. I had big goals for the race. I realized in the summer that my goals would have to be put on hold. This is life, sometimes things work out and sometimes they don’t.

Instead of racing, I was in Sherbrooke cheering, supporting, encouraging and hanging out. While it’s not quite the same as lining up and giving it my all for 40 minutes, the weekend was still special.

Watching Marc and my friends race was as good as being on the start line myself. I saw them push through uncertainty and fear. I watched them test their limits and discover how far they can go. I got to see the light in their eyes after having an amazing race. I got to hear about how they rode the muddy corners, attacked the sand, approached the off-cambers, and drilled it up the climbs. We talked about next year and how to get faster and smoother.

This for me was just as good as racing.

It inspired me. It reminded me how much I love racing my bike. It forced me to remember how good it feels to get through the tough stuff and come out on the other side. It brought me back to why I got hooked on racing my bike.

Next year in 2017 I want to be there on the start line. There is no other goal. Just lining up is enough now. This is not complacency. It’s finally understanding that the racing is about so much more than the result on the sheet.

It’s about how you race and how you feel about yourself afterwards.

Last Sunday, I posted this on Instagram:

And so, I raced. And it was awesome. I had so much fun. It was truly epic with the mid-race downpour that changed all the lines and corners. The people out cheering were top-notch. Marc riding around the course encouraging me was worth a couple thousand watts.

It was so special to be out racing in the Eastern Ontario Cyclo-Cross Series. This series sparked my love for cyclocross and bikes a very long time ago and it felt so good to be back racing with a superb community of folks.

After the race, Marc and I were in the car driving home and I started reading to him what I wrote on Instagram that morning. And something unexpected happened… my voice cracked, my eyes welled up and I started crying. I had no idea this would happen.

Turns out that race in Cornwall, Ontario at Lamoureux Park on October 16, 2016 might have been the most special one yet.

I didn’t ride today.

I had planned to ride. My plan for the day was 1.5 hours on the road bike.

It didn’t happen.

I was ready – organized my clothes last night, went into work early so I could leave early, and I still didn’t ride.

My legs felt drained and empty all day. I felt tired. A slight something at the back of my throat. I still left early so I could ride.

When I got home I didn’t ride. I decided it made sense to rest.

But I feel guilty about this. All evening I’ve been harassing myself over this decision.

Logically, I know it makes sense. I’m riding Friday and Saturday and then racing on Sunday. So it makes complete sense to not ride today if I’m not feeling 100%.

I guess the thing is, I’ve gotten so used to riding when I haven’t been feeling 100% that to not ride just feels wrong. Yeah, I know it’s a bit messed up.

Emotionally, I find it hard not to ride whenever I can or whenever my Training Peaks plan tells me to. I’ve missed so much riding this summer and over the years that to not ride when I’m able just feels wrong.

I almost feel programmed after so many years of training and racing to always be riding. To make the decision not to ride feels like I’m not motivated.

But, now that I think about it and put this down in black and white, I realize that it is this motivation that kept me off the bike today. I want to and plan to be flying with full colours for 2017. This means a solid winter and spring season of riding, weights, core, and yoga is ahead of me (I can’t wait). But to do this properly, I need to be ready for it. This means taking small careful steps now so I can be ready when it’s time to push the go button.

Motivation is what has got me here and motivation is what will get me through days like today.

Typically, the word epic is highly overused. Some might even believe that the word epic is overrated.

Well, not today. Today is an EPIC DAY.

Today I saw my surgeon.

Today I got the green light to resume all normal activity.

So yeah, I can start riding my bike again. Today. Today I can start riding my bike again.

I can also transition off the low-residue diet. Today I can start adding in new foods.

So EPIC is totally appropriate for today. Happy EPIC DAY!