Yes, it has been a while since I’ve shown up here. In fact it has been a while since I’ve shown up at all. I’ve been struggling lately. I always say that I’m going to be honest with you and let you know what is going on with me. Well as you likely know I’ve been dealing with an ulcerative colitis flare since late April. There have been days when I’ve felt like myself – convinced that next week I’d be fully recovered and ready to get back out and have some fun. And there have been days or dare I say weeks when I’ve felt the complete opposite.
Tired. Beaten down. Broken. These last few weeks have been rough. Maybe it is realizing that the summer is almost over and I haven’t done anything. It feels as time simply melted away from me. I went from believing that I would get better and still manage to have some fun to how I feel these days. It is almost the middle of August and I’m still waiting to get better. I’ve had days where I’ve moped around the house feeling sorry for myself. I’ve had days where I’m full of energy and manage to do too much (tricking myself that I’m getting better).
And now here I sit waiting. The latest medication has not helped. The numerous dietary changes have not made a difference. But today is big day. Today I’m going in for a colonoscopy – not a fun procedure (actually it isn’t so bad since I’m asleep for it – the prep is rough but when you have ulcerative colitis you get used to running to the bathroom quickly!) – but this procedure will tell me and my doctor a lot. Decisions will be made on my next course of treatment. I have a couple of options: Remicade or steroids. Both options have pros and cons. Essentially it comes down to trusting my doctor and choosing a treatment plan that is going to get me healthy for the long-term.
I’m ready to get my life back. I’m not really sure right now what this will entail. But I can guarantee that I won’t be wasting a single day or moment. I lost the fall and winter to a fractured vertebrae in my spine. I lost the summer to this beast of a disease. I’m ready for the fall of 2012 to be mine. I want to go to each and every of Marc’s cyclo-cross races and cheer him on. I want to see my friends out racing and giving it their all. I want hop on my bike for an easy ride without worrying about bathrooms. I want to lace up my running shoes and get out on the trails. I want to be myself again. I need this for myself but more importantly I need this for the number one person in my life. As hard as this has been on me, it has been harder on Marc. He has to watch from the sidelines completely helpless – there is nothing he can say, do or even dream that can help. I can’t imagine how horrible this must be.
I’m pressing the reset button today. No matter what happens today, I know that at least I’ll be moving forward.