Sorry, kind of quiet here right now. I’m in a funny place. My season is over. I’m trying to take a break from thinking about racing. This means that I’m really trying hard not to think about my season. What worked and what didn’t. Don’t take this to mean that I’m not going to go on that journey. Just not now. Right now I need to just chill. Read. Knit. Ride. Vegetate.

In a word though: hungry.

Really, I don’t have much for you today. No deep thoughts. No reflections. No plans. No motivating words.

Just quiet.

(Don’t worry there will be more to come.)

Now is the perfect time to say thank-you.

Thank-you to my sponsors: without the support of Kingsbridge, The Cyclery, Cycle-Smart, Outdoor Gear Canada, MountainGoat Yoga, and Clif Bar – I wouldn’t be sitting here in Belgium right now.

Thank-you to Marc – he has been my rock.

Thank-you to Steve Weller for the awesome coaching and advice.

Thank-you to Steve P. for his tireless work on my bikes and his steady technical training advice and support.

Thank-you to you – for your comments, emails, positive vibes, smiles, and kind words.

Well, I am winding down here in Belgium. I’m done racing for the season. I was supposed to race the World Cup in Roubaix, France this Sunday. But I’m not racing. Don’t worry I’m not quitting. I still want to race my cyclo-cross bike. I still want to improve. I still want to race at Tabor next year.

But for now – I’m done. I realized it during the race on Wednesday. I had no oomph. No get up and go. I couldn’t force myself to go hard. I couldn’t convince myself to dig that extra amount.

I guess I’m stale. Burnt out. Call it what you want. I’m simply done. I’ve never really felt like this before. In a way, it is a good thing it has happened. Now when I get home I can sit down with my coach and with Nick from Summit Consulting to discuss this experience. We can figure out what went right, what needs to be improved, and what needs to be outright changed. I don’t know if I raced too much. I don’t know if I should have taken a break during the ‘cross season. I don’t know if it is because I essentially came here without any goals. Don’t know.

I’m not going to stress about it. Every season is a learning experience. This has been a big year for me. I set a big goal. I didn’t achieve that goal but in the process I achieved many smaller tertiary goals. I’m a better bike racer and person because of these experiences. Champions aren’t built in one season – so this year is about groundwork.

So now what? Well, I’m here until Feb. 3. I’m going to keep riding. The weather is perfect. The snow is gone. The sun is shining. And right now, I’m still enjoying riding my bike. In fact today I went out for three hours. A great ride along the canal. I felt super energized when I got in. So I know my head hasn’t fallen off completely. Just a little….

So this is where I’m at. I appreciate your support and encouragement. It really makes a difference to know that so many people are following my progress and are cheering for me. Don’t worry – I’ll be back even stronger for the road season and even more determined and focused for the 2009 – 2010 ‘cross season.

Have a good weekend. Hopefully it isn’t too cold where you are and you can get out and enjoy the great outdoors. If you’re in Ottawa (where it is cold), go check out the roller rides that the West of Quebec Wheelersare hosting. Sounds like a decent way to start the weekend. (I believe there are Saturday morning roller rides in Aylmer…)

Yesterday in Surhuisterveen – I did all three: swimming, biking, and running… Perhaps I have triathlons in my future? Yes, I went to a ‘cross race and ended up swimming.

To be quite blunt about it – I fell in the river. One moment I was riding along on the nice firm green grass and the next moment I was in the river. Completely submerged. My bike made the trip into the river with me. It was so sudden. I must have hit a root or some mud and my bike just took off to the right. Right into the river.

I couldn’t believe it. The river was deep. I couldn’t touch bottom. It was also extremely cold (particularly since I was wearing my skinsuit (with lots of white on it) and only a sleeveless (white) undershirt). I dragged myself up the river bank. This was not easy – the bank was pure mud and thorns. Hauled my bike out.

I wasn’t far from the pit so I walked to the pit. No way I was going to get back on my bike and risk falling into the river again! What a sight I must have been. Marc knew something was up and was at the edge of the pit. Apparently all I said was “I fell in the river!”. Marc tried to give me his coat but I didn’t want to get it all wet and for him to get cold. (Later he told me he wanted me to take the coat because the white on my skinsuit and undershirt – were now see-through… Luckily I was wearing a black bra…)

I walked back to the car. I got a lot of stares and comments from spectators. Not only was I soaked but I was bleeding a lot. I scraped up both my legs quite badly on the thorns and whatever else what was in that darn river. Crazy Canadian – goes to a ‘cross race in Holland and falls in the river.

I don’t want to mislead you and make you think that the course was unsafe. It was completely safe. I made a poor decision. There were two options for the section where I crashed – ride in the greasy mud along a thorny bush or ride on the firmer green grass kind of closer to the edge of the river bank. I chose the green grass because I knew it would be faster – not once did I think there was potential for a swim!

After getting cleaned up and packing the super van, Marc and I chilled out in a nice little bakery and had some lunch. We watched a bit of the elite race and then started the trip home. We made our way to Amsterdam but didn’t stop – the timing wasn’t quite right.

Marc rode really well and finished 8th yesterday. If it hadn’t been for a pit debacle he would have been 5th…. I was supporting both Ed and Marc in the pit. No problem, I’m used to supporting two riders. Ed pitted – he had a problem with a cable. So I got his bike over to the super powerful power washer (yes, Rob, people were still losing stickers off their wheels…) and got his bike cleaned. This took a while since I had to let someone else do it. This was a double pit. Marc’s bike was on the wrong side of the pit. I see the leaders coming. I start to run. I see Marc. He looks like he is going to pit…. I run faster. But not fast enough. Marc is in the pit. Standing there. His bike is on the other side of the pit. (A few words were shouted. Much to the amusement of the others in the pit…) Marc got his bike and rode super well to finish 8th (but should have been 5th…). By the way – Marc beat the Belgian National Champ yesterday! So I’m happy to say that at least Marc had a good ride.

So that was the trip to Holland. Not what I expected. I kind of wrote a race report…

Dudes, can you believe this amazing journey is almost over? In January 2008 I set a big goal – to represent Canada at the 2009 World Cyclo-Cross Championships. This goal did a lot for me. It really changed me – internally and externally. It gave me a real purpose. A reason to make the sacrifices and to keep pushing deep. I felt like I had a real reason for being.

This is something I’ve struggled with for a long time. Reason for being. Why am I here and what am I supposed to do with this life? I so badly needed/wanted to make a difference that I would get stressed out when I couldn’t figure out how I was supposed to make a difference in this world. I tried writing the great Canadian novel. I volunteered. I have a World Vision sponsor child (Daniela Nicole who lives in Colombia). I considered quitting my job and moving to a “developing country” to volunteer. I really was at a crossroads. I truly believe that I was put here to do something special. I just couldn’t figure out what it was. I looked for signs. I hunted for meaning.

Guess what – I finally figured it out. This past year has been it. This is what I was supposed to do (for now). I set a goal. I worked hard and stayed focused on the path to the goal. I became engrossed in this goal. The goal made me a better person – more considerate of others, more appreciative of the people around me, and more thankful for this gift that I have. This goal made me a better person.

Yes, I struggled at times. I wanted to quit. I wanted to give up. At times it seemed “too hard” or “impossible”. But I kept going. I told myself I couldn’t quit because of you. I told you I was going to do it and even if I didn’t achieve my goal, at the end of the day I’d be able to say I did everything I could. I became impassioned. I had focus. Structure. Meaning.

Funny. This goal. That had nothing to do with ending world hunger, achieving world peace or making sure every kid starts and ends the day with food and happiness. Seems like it did do this in a off-beat kind of way. Maybe I inspired you to set a goal. And through that goal you made changes that made you live better. Perhaps someone else saw you making changes, this person became inspired and decided to “go for it” and do that one thing he always wanted.

Imagine what this creates. A real “pay it forward”. Everyone is making small steps towards their goal. This creates change. The trickle down effect is astounding.

As you know I didn’t achieve my goal. This was hard. I had setbacks. I spent part of the season rather listless. Trying to figure out the point of everything. I wanted to quit. I tried damn hard to quit. But luckily I have you guys. I received some amazing emails, comments and messages. You kept me in this crazy game. I thank-you. You made my goal seem so much more achievable thanks to your confidence.

It really does take a community.

Not everyone wants to “change the world”. This doesn’t matter. What matters is that you have purpose – purpose that only you can determine and define for yourself.

Marc and I were talking about the snowball effect over supper. (A fine supper at Sultan’s…) The snowball effect is essentially the idea of letting things build and build until ostensibly you have a snowball. To use this as a verb: one is snowballing. Now this is not a good thing. This is a negative thing, this snowball effect. It is dangerous and if one is not careful, it can drag you down.

I struggle with avoiding the snowballs. Generally I’m fairly optimistic. But in times of stress and uncertainty, I can definitely let things build and turn into a massive snowball. This is one of my goals for 2009 – to put the snowball effect to rest. No more for me. It won’t be easy, but I think really keeping things in perspective and remembering to be appreciate what I have and have done will go far in preventing the abominable snowball.

On the topic of snow – it is finally melting here in Belgium. We had a fine day of plus 5. Got in a pretty smooth ride outside. Found some new roads. Pedaled along some of my favorite roads. Generally had a great time on the bike. Got soaked but luckily I was wearing my trusty MEC waterproof pants. Gotta love those sealed seams. Followed the ride up with a most excellent yoga session. The yoga via DVD is good but I do miss my regular hot power classes – there is something about the heat that is so soothing.

On Sunday I went to Kasterlee and rode with Marc. This is a pretty sweet place to train. Fully marked cyclo-cross loop that is 2.5 km long. Not sure what the terrain is really like since we were riding in snow. There are some good climbs, fast corners, and lots of dodging of trees.

Just getting the details sorted out for Surhuisterveen. Hotel is booked. Same place we stayed last year – the hotel with the bowling alley attached to it. I do remember the excellent buffet breakfast we had last year. One thing I do like about European hotels are the breakfasts. So we are heading out tomorrow, racing Wednesday and then we are going to Amsterdam for some touring around. A pretty good way to spend the day.

The World Cup in Roubaix is on Sunday. This will be my last ‘cross race of the season. So far the plan is for Marc and I to go to Roubaix on Thursday to pre-ride (he can’t come to this race since he is racing in Belgium on Saturday and Sunday).

So that’s all the action there is to report here in Belgium. Had a fun time at the market in Heist-Op-Den-Berg. Check out Victoria’s Island for some pictures and a details of the trip.

Massive congrats to Nikki Harris on being selected to the Great Britain team for the Cyclo-Cross World Champs in Hoogerheide. Check out the article about Nikki on Pezcycling.