It has been a very long time since I’ve felt like this… Physically unfit. As an athlete, I’ve gotten used to (perhaps taken for granted) that I could expect my body to respond to the demands I place on it. It used to be that when I wanted to ride my bike hard, I could do it. It used to be that when I wanted to go snowshoe running with the Wednesday night gang, I could do it – I’d be at the back but not off the back walking. It used to be that I could skate ski for three hours with friends and not feel completely destroyed afterwards – now I’m lucky to manage a very slow 90 minutes.

This is hard. Really hard. The feeling that I won’t ever return to the fitness I had is overwhelming. At times these feelings make me want to get out and do more and more. Then at other times, I just want to give in – to sleep in and skip my morning bike ride and TRX work-out, to stay home and read books instead of going snowshoe running, to ignore my skis and forget about the 51 km Gatineau Ski Loppet that I’ve already registered for.

This is new for me. I’ve been through a lot over the years dealing with being sick, recovering and then getting sick again. But never before have I been wiped out like this before. I have a new appreciation for what my body can and cannot do. The big problem is that I really don’t want to believe that I’m really coming off-the-couch with zero fitness – that I have to start from a place I can’t really remember ever being at.

I need to slow down. To ride at a lower wattage. To walk the big hills and let the others go when my breathing has become wheezing and my head is screaming. To not go for long skis three days in a row (like I planned to do on Friday, Saturday and Sunday).

I need to take a deep breath and remember.

Remember that only a few weeks ago, I would have given anything to just be outside with my friends – regardless of how slow and out-of-shape I felt. I need to remember that a few weeks ago, I couldn’t get through the day without a nap and that just walking around the block was a big deal. Perspective – it does a person a lot of good.

The good news is that I can only get better. The trick being to not push it too hard too soon. A good friend said to me last night “you need to take it slowly. You don’t want to get sick again.” This hit home really hard. She’s right. I do need to take it slowly – I’d rather be moving slowly than not moving at all.

We have something very special here in Ottawa – it is the Eastern Ontario Cyclo-Cross Series. This cyclo-cross series has been running for over 20 years and is operated on a pure volunteer basis. Thanks to some very dedicated volunteers (Bob, Cheryl, Ian, and Rosemary) this cyclo-cross series has grown to have some of the largest fields in the country.

I remember way back in 1994 there were maybe five women out racing (on a good day) – this year we had 87 women racing. Yes, 87 women – how awesome is that. We had little girls racing in the under 11 category and even had someone racing in the 60 plus category. So very impressive. This year there were 291 people who registered for the 10 race series. The categories range from Under 11 to the 70 plus category.

This season racers traveled to Almonte, Renfrew, North Gower, Perth, Cobden, Kingston, Calabogie Peaks, and Cornwall. The diversity of courses and venues ensures that the series remains interesting and it gives different racers a chance to shine depending on the course and the conditions. This year, the organizers and racers were lucky to avoid racing in the snow – though there was some slippery mud in Almonte.

The Eastern Ontario Cyclo-Cross Series is unique in that it brings together cyclists from a range of backgrounds and abilities. What this does is fosters a tight community of racers and supporters. It was rare to have a race this year that did not have a large group of fans out watching – yes the racers stick around to watch the later races or come early to watch the races beforehand.

This year I was purely a spectator and fan – at first it was hard to stand out there watching my friends race. But I benefited tremendously by seeing the racing from the other side of the tape – this allowed me to meet so many different people and through the few cyclo-cross clinics I held, I was able to meet people I would have otherwise never have met. I’m looking forward to being out there racing next season – there is just something special about the Eastern Ontario Cyclo-Cross Series, that once you try it, you want more of it. 

(If you live in or around Ottawa and are curious about cyclo-cross, I highly recommend you come on out and race. New people come out every year and you don’t have to be a serious “racer” to race – this is all about participation and having some fun.)

A huge thank-you to Bob, Cheryl, Ian and Rosemary – without you we wouldn’t have something to do on Sunday mornings! As well, a big thanks to The Cyclery and Euro-Sports for supporting the series. 

During my racing years, I was very fortunate to be supported by some very impressive companies and people. This support made it possible for me to chase my cyclo-cross racing dreams without having to worry about essentials like bikes, wheels, pedals, food, clothing, transportation and living costs – basically everything I needed. Yes, I was very lucky to have this support.

In the last couple of years, I haven’t been racing but some of these companies have continued to provide me with products and gear. This has been a real treat – I’ve been able to test out the latest nutrition offerings from Clif Bar, wear some very snazzy casual clothing thanks to Lolë, get comfortable on a mountain bike again thanks to Opus and OGC, and always have what I need to keep me riding and skiing thanks to The Cyclery.

So, in thinking ahead to the holidays, how about visiting some of these fine companies to do your holiday shopping? And to make things easier for you – I’ve put together a little holiday gift guide for you:

For the foodie in your life (and the very hungry cyclist) – check out my fave Clif Bar products:

• Dark Chocolate Almond Coconut Clif Mojo Bar (yes as good as it sounds)
• Peanut Butter Kit’s Organic Fruit and Nut Bar (dates, peanuts, almonds and sea salt – that’s it!)
• Chocolate Peppermint Stick Luna Bar (oh so good and perfect for this time of the year)

For the fashionista on your list (or maybe for yourself) – you don’t want to miss these must-haves from Lolë:

• Lily Tote Bag (I have this bag in red – it is fantastic)
• Ponder 2 Top (100% merino wool top that does double-duty as a base layer or fashion forward layering piece)
• Refresh Pants (I have two pairs of these – perfect for yoga, relaxing at the coffee shop and pulling on after a good ride or ski)

For the cyclist in your life, check out these new Opus bikes for 2014:

• Fhast 1.0 29er (I have the 2013 version of this bike – it has rekindled my love of trails and big rocks!)
• Dash 12″ (how awesome is this little bike for your little cyclist)
• Ivanna Women (this is the city bike that works wherever you need to go)

For the skier and winter cycling fanatic, The Cyclery has your gift-giving needs covered:

• Madshus skis (I have Madshus skis and I have to say that these skis are fast and durable)
• Stages Power Meter (you will be number one if you choose this power meter for your favourite cyclist)
• Giro gear (Giro is my number one choice when it comes to helmets and gloves)

A big thank you for all the support I’ve received over the years. I’m honoured to have such fine companies providing me with access to their latest and greatest products.

I’ve been wanting to write something here for a while now, but honestly I just didn’t know what to write. This website started as a way for me to get you involved in my cyclo-cross racing journey. Along the way I’ve shared with you the ups and downs that come with setting big goals and chasing them. You’ve been with me every pedal stroke, encouraging me, cheering me on and giving me that push when I needed it. For this I’m very grateful. But at times, especially now, I feel like I’m not doing a very good job of paying you back – of letting you know how much this support and encouragement means to me. Particularly now when I’m in this strange limbo land space.

I’m asking myself if this website is still relevant? Do I have anything to say? Why would anyone want to read about what is going on with me? After all, I don’t really feel like there is much going on now. Compared to the years when I was off racing my cyclo-cross bike in Belgium and beyond – I had some good stories to tell you from falling into the canal in Surhusiterveen, to racing at the World Cyclo-Cross Championships in 2010, to just getting out for a ride and discovering some awesome new roads – there always seemed to be something to share with you.

Now, I’m just not sure… so I guess the best thing to do today is just tell you what is going on…

Well, healthwise things are on the upward trajectory (fingers crossed). The crazy prednisone is working its twisted magic – making me feel like I’m healthy and normal and fooling me into believing I’m in a remission. (In other words – right now this wicked steroid has eliminated my ulcerative colitis symptoms but this is really just a cover-up and I’ve been down this road before. I’m not getting sucked in this time.) I’m slowly tapering off prednisone and we’ll really know what is going on with my cranky colon in a few weeks when I’m down to just 5mg of prednisone a day (this is when the trouble started up again this past August…). The good news is that I feel really good on this darn drug, I look good (apart from my puffy face), I have lots of energy, I can eat what I want, and I feel more like myself again.

The even better news is that I finally started a new medical treatment. I’m now taking Remicade – this is a big drug that you only get to once all other medications have failed. Delivered by IV infusion, this drug works its magic by blocking the protein in my body that stimulates the inflammatory response (ulcerative colitis is an auto-immune disease that cause inflammation in my colon and really nasty things happen). So far I’ve had two infusions and I’ll have my next one on Dec. 12 – we should know around then if this medication is working (by then I’ll have been off prednisone for eight days). So this is the medical low-down.

Oh and November is Crohn’s and Colitis Awareness Month… So feel free to ask me anything you want to know about ulcerative colitis – no question is too personal – 1 in 160 Canadians have either Crohn’s or ulcerative colitis (some have both) – so we need to talk about these diseases.

Thanks to this renewed energy I’m ramping up my physical activity. Back at doing yoga at home thanks to MyYogaOnline and trying to rebuild my muscles with my handy TRX system. I also just started riding my bike on the trainer. Nothing major – just an easy 30 minutes but I hope to slowly build this up to an hour or so. Cross-country ski season appears to be around the corner and when it comes I’ll be ready thanks to the dry land training sessions I’ve been attending. Of course, along the way I did manage to find myself visiting my local physiotherapy clinic… turns out that the small amount of walking/hiking I’ve been doing was too much strain for my old body – combine being ill for the spring, summer, fall with prednisone with having to stop doing any activity at all with not getting the nutrients I need – and well this ends up causing annoying things like muscle wasting. So now I’m working hard to rebuild and strengthen my calf muscles, hamstrings, quads and the pesky glute mede. Ah well, better now than in January when I want to be out skiing and snowshoe running.

Other than this – well life is rolling along. I started a reading project… I decided to challenge myself to read all of the books on the Canada Reads Top 40 list. Yes, 40 books. Marc asked me yesterday how long it would take to read all 40 – I estimate two years… Sigh. Ah well, at least I get to read some pretty awesome Canadian novels. And in typical fashion, I’ve created a website to track my progress and to post reviews of each book.

Hmm, what else? Well today is the last race in the Eastern Ontario Cyclo-Cross Series. I have to say it has been hard to not be out there racing but I’ve still really enjoyed coming out to the races. I particularly enjoy watching the women’s race and seeing so many women out there racing their bikes and having fun. It is a real treat to have women ask me about tire pressure, how to ride a certain section, and to chat with them after the races and hear about the race from their perspective. Next year I’ll definitely be holding more ‘cross clinics and I’ve got some ideas for some specific skill-based clinics (if you have ideas or suggestions – shoot me an email or post in the comments).

Alright, for someone who thought she didn’t have much to say, it seems like I’ve managed to write quite a bit! Thanks for sticking around. It means a lot.

I’m sitting here in a hotel in Holyoke, Mass – just around a 20 minute drive away from every cyclocross racer’s favourite park – Look Park. Yes, it is the Cycle-Smart International weekend of racing. This used to be one of my favourite race courses. A good mix of technical and power with lots of twists and turns to separate those who can “drive” their bikes from those who can’t. Look Park itself is also a great venue – lots of walking/running trails, a beautiful river and just a relaxing place to hang out. The crowds always come out for this race and apart from the racing,  there seems to be lots of time to catch up with long-time cyclocross pals. So yeah, we like coming down here, racing, cheering, and hanging out.

This year of course, I’m not racing. Same deal last year. Last year it felt a bit frustrating to have to watch the elite women’s race. This year not so much. I think I’m finally ready. Ready to not be a serious competitive plan-driven must-train-at-all-costs don’t-eat-the-cookie athlete.

Earlier in the week I was chatting with Marc about skate skiing and trail running. I told him how I wanted to get a coach, get a plan and get really super fit again. How I needed to get in shape and ready for the Gatineau 51 Km ski loppet in February and the Ultimate XC 23 Km trail race in July. I went on about getting faster, stronger, leaner and focused again. Marc sat and listened. And then he simply said “No, you don’t need a coach or a plan. You just need to get back to 100% health and get active again. The fitness and strength will come. Just go out and do. Go skiing with you friends. Go trail running with you friends. Go snowshoe running. Just do.”

(Have I told you how lucky I am to have Marc in my life?)

At first I bristled at his comment. But then – well then I thought about it. Yes, he is right. I just need and want to get out there and move my body. I’ve spent years following structured training plans. I missed out on long rides with friends because my program said I had to do VO2Max intervals. I missed out on all-day hikes in the Gatineau Park and a latte afterwards because I had to go lift weights and then do a three hour ride. But back then, that was fine – that was what I wanted. Now, not so much.

Sure I still want to get fit and strong again. And yes, I want to be able to ski the Gatineau loppet in a decent time and still be able to balance on one leg at the end of it all. But above all else – I just want to be outside having fun and moving my body. I’ve got these small goals to look forward to and to be honest, they’ll help me get out the door when it’s raining or crazy cold outside – but they won’t force me out the door if it’s raining or freezing cold…

It’s happening gradually this transition and I’m finally okay with it. Today we’re off to Look Park for day two of the racing. It promises to be another great day. One of those days I just need to appreciate for being able to be outside and cheering on Marc while he rips around on his bike. Can’t really ask for much more. Tomorrow I’ll go to dryland ski training and bumble my way around Mooney’s Bay park – the entire time I’ll listen to my body and remember that it’s not always a race.