I’ve been wanting to write something here for a while now, but honestly I just didn’t know what to write. This website started as a way for me to get you involved in my cyclo-cross racing journey. Along the way I’ve shared with you the ups and downs that come with setting big goals and chasing them. You’ve been with me every pedal stroke, encouraging me, cheering me on and giving me that push when I needed it. For this I’m very grateful. But at times, especially now, I feel like I’m not doing a very good job of paying you back – of letting you know how much this support and encouragement means to me. Particularly now when I’m in this strange limbo land space.

I’m asking myself if this website is still relevant? Do I have anything to say? Why would anyone want to read about what is going on with me? After all, I don’t really feel like there is much going on now. Compared to the years when I was off racing my cyclo-cross bike in Belgium and beyond – I had some good stories to tell you from falling into the canal in Surhusiterveen, to racing at the World Cyclo-Cross Championships in 2010, to just getting out for a ride and discovering some awesome new roads – there always seemed to be something to share with you.

Now, I’m just not sure… so I guess the best thing to do today is just tell you what is going on…

Well, healthwise things are on the upward trajectory (fingers crossed). The crazy prednisone is working its twisted magic – making me feel like I’m healthy and normal and fooling me into believing I’m in a remission. (In other words – right now this wicked steroid has eliminated my ulcerative colitis symptoms but this is really just a cover-up and I’ve been down this road before. I’m not getting sucked in this time.) I’m slowly tapering off prednisone and we’ll really know what is going on with my cranky colon in a few weeks when I’m down to just 5mg of prednisone a day (this is when the trouble started up again this past August…). The good news is that I feel really good on this darn drug, I look good (apart from my puffy face), I have lots of energy, I can eat what I want, and I feel more like myself again.

The even better news is that I finally started a new medical treatment. I’m now taking Remicade – this is a big drug that you only get to once all other medications have failed. Delivered by IV infusion, this drug works its magic by blocking the protein in my body that stimulates the inflammatory response (ulcerative colitis is an auto-immune disease that cause inflammation in my colon and really nasty things happen). So far I’ve had two infusions and I’ll have my next one on Dec. 12 – we should know around then if this medication is working (by then I’ll have been off prednisone for eight days). So this is the medical low-down.

Oh and November is Crohn’s and Colitis Awareness Month… So feel free to ask me anything you want to know about ulcerative colitis – no question is too personal – 1 in 160 Canadians have either Crohn’s or ulcerative colitis (some have both) – so we need to talk about these diseases.

Thanks to this renewed energy I’m ramping up my physical activity. Back at doing yoga at home thanks to MyYogaOnline and trying to rebuild my muscles with my handy TRX system. I also just started riding my bike on the trainer. Nothing major – just an easy 30 minutes but I hope to slowly build this up to an hour or so. Cross-country ski season appears to be around the corner and when it comes I’ll be ready thanks to the dry land training sessions I’ve been attending. Of course, along the way I did manage to find myself visiting my local physiotherapy clinic… turns out that the small amount of walking/hiking I’ve been doing was too much strain for my old body – combine being ill for the spring, summer, fall with prednisone with having to stop doing any activity at all with not getting the nutrients I need – and well this ends up causing annoying things like muscle wasting. So now I’m working hard to rebuild and strengthen my calf muscles, hamstrings, quads and the pesky glute mede. Ah well, better now than in January when I want to be out skiing and snowshoe running.

Other than this – well life is rolling along. I started a reading project… I decided to challenge myself to read all of the books on the Canada Reads Top 40 list. Yes, 40 books. Marc asked me yesterday how long it would take to read all 40 – I estimate two years… Sigh. Ah well, at least I get to read some pretty awesome Canadian novels. And in typical fashion, I’ve created a website to track my progress and to post reviews of each book.

Hmm, what else? Well today is the last race in the Eastern Ontario Cyclo-Cross Series. I have to say it has been hard to not be out there racing but I’ve still really enjoyed coming out to the races. I particularly enjoy watching the women’s race and seeing so many women out there racing their bikes and having fun. It is a real treat to have women ask me about tire pressure, how to ride a certain section, and to chat with them after the races and hear about the race from their perspective. Next year I’ll definitely be holding more ‘cross clinics and I’ve got some ideas for some specific skill-based clinics (if you have ideas or suggestions – shoot me an email or post in the comments).

Alright, for someone who thought she didn’t have much to say, it seems like I’ve managed to write quite a bit! Thanks for sticking around. It means a lot.

I’m sitting here in a hotel in Holyoke, Mass – just around a 20 minute drive away from every cyclocross racer’s favourite park – Look Park. Yes, it is the Cycle-Smart International weekend of racing. This used to be one of my favourite race courses. A good mix of technical and power with lots of twists and turns to separate those who can “drive” their bikes from those who can’t. Look Park itself is also a great venue – lots of walking/running trails, a beautiful river and just a relaxing place to hang out. The crowds always come out for this race and apart from the racing,  there seems to be lots of time to catch up with long-time cyclocross pals. So yeah, we like coming down here, racing, cheering, and hanging out.

This year of course, I’m not racing. Same deal last year. Last year it felt a bit frustrating to have to watch the elite women’s race. This year not so much. I think I’m finally ready. Ready to not be a serious competitive plan-driven must-train-at-all-costs don’t-eat-the-cookie athlete.

Earlier in the week I was chatting with Marc about skate skiing and trail running. I told him how I wanted to get a coach, get a plan and get really super fit again. How I needed to get in shape and ready for the Gatineau 51 Km ski loppet in February and the Ultimate XC 23 Km trail race in July. I went on about getting faster, stronger, leaner and focused again. Marc sat and listened. And then he simply said “No, you don’t need a coach or a plan. You just need to get back to 100% health and get active again. The fitness and strength will come. Just go out and do. Go skiing with you friends. Go trail running with you friends. Go snowshoe running. Just do.”

(Have I told you how lucky I am to have Marc in my life?)

At first I bristled at his comment. But then – well then I thought about it. Yes, he is right. I just need and want to get out there and move my body. I’ve spent years following structured training plans. I missed out on long rides with friends because my program said I had to do VO2Max intervals. I missed out on all-day hikes in the Gatineau Park and a latte afterwards because I had to go lift weights and then do a three hour ride. But back then, that was fine – that was what I wanted. Now, not so much.

Sure I still want to get fit and strong again. And yes, I want to be able to ski the Gatineau loppet in a decent time and still be able to balance on one leg at the end of it all. But above all else – I just want to be outside having fun and moving my body. I’ve got these small goals to look forward to and to be honest, they’ll help me get out the door when it’s raining or crazy cold outside – but they won’t force me out the door if it’s raining or freezing cold…

It’s happening gradually this transition and I’m finally okay with it. Today we’re off to Look Park for day two of the racing. It promises to be another great day. One of those days I just need to appreciate for being able to be outside and cheering on Marc while he rips around on his bike. Can’t really ask for much more. Tomorrow I’ll go to dryland ski training and bumble my way around Mooney’s Bay park – the entire time I’ll listen to my body and remember that it’s not always a race.

I’ve been quiet. There has not been anything to tell you. Quite frankly, I have grown weary of being sick, talking about being sick, and living the life of a sick person. For a while I was able to trick myself into believing I wasn’t sick – but I learned this just isn’t the correct approach. This approach lends itself to covering up and hiding from true feelings and emotions and if there is one thing I’ve learned this summer – emotions and mental health are not to be covered up or ignored.

I had some days where I really just sat and wallowed in sadness. I felt sorry for myself. I felt sorry for Marc. I just felt sorry. Not good but maybe necessary.

Necessary to make me appreciate and recognize that there are so many good things happening now and to look forward to. Through-out this entire flare, I’ve avoided hospitalization and while there were weekends when I didn’t dare leave the house – I was still much better off than many other sick people.

It is not easy for me to say that I’m sick. But I’ve come to accept this. I have a chronic illness. It will never go away but it will go into remission. It won’t kill me but it does at times make my life highly unpleasant and not nice.

These are the cards I’ve been dealt. And my only option is to make the best of them.

Today I did something huge – I went for a 90 minute walk. This was massive for me. It was so refreshing to be outside and to not be worried about where the nearest bathroom was or what I would do if I couldn’t find one in the 10 second window my colon affords me. Today I just walked. Not fast. Not slow. Just moved my body. It was a great feeling.

Small steps are being made in the right direction. I just need to remember to keep things in perspective. I’ve got some goals that I want to accomplish in 2014 and I’ve got my sights set on how to get there. But right now, I have to focus on health rather than fitness. Being rather than doing. There is lots of time for me to rebuild my fitness, strength and endurance.  For now it is long steady walks, low intensity yoga, dryland nordic ski training and learning  how to calm the mind to help the body recover.

So this is where I’m at. Sorry there are no race reports, training updates or posts about bike racing, cyclo-cross or trail running. Fingers crossed that there will be soon. But more than likely I’ll be writing about skate skiing and snowshoeing…

Well, yesterday I spent eight hours at my local hospital. Never have I been so happy to spend eight hours in the emergency room….

At the end of a long day I  got to talk to another gastro doctor. During a very eye-opening discussion about my ulcerative colitis treatment so far, he pointed out that I’m lacking a long-term medical plan. But beyond this he said “what you have right now is not quality of life. There is no reason why you shouldn’t expect to return to racing your bike and doing the things you enjoy”.

Wow – this was more powerful than any medicine I’ve had so far. I finally felt like I wasn’t a crazy person for wanting to believe that I could get back to doing the things I enjoy. This doctor also said that even though my current gastro doctor says my disease is “not that serious” this really isn’t the case – that it is serious… Phew, more medicine for my brain.

Fingers crossed that the light that I believe is at the end of this tunnel does come to fruition.

I appreciate your still reading and commenting, even though has become less and less about cyclo-cross, bike riding, trail running and the fun stuff in life. I plan to return to regularly scheduled activities as soon as I can.

Right now, I’ve got my sights set on getting out for the first dryland cross-country ski training session of the season with the Natural Fitness Lab crew. This is new to me – normally I’m off racing my bike at this time of the year. But this year I decided to embrace change and get myself super ready for a fun season on the skate skis.

(If you follow me on Facebook, you’ll remember that I posted about some new goals/targets… Well, so far, I’ve got the Gatineau Loppet in February 2014, the UltimateXC (distance undecided) in July 2014, and the BC Bike Race in 2015. In between all this, there will be nice long rides, mountain biking, trail runs, snowshoe runs, a few lattes and lots of smiles.)

Happy birthday Dad – hope you had a great day!!!!

Earlier this morning I was sitting here generally feeling sorry for myself.  To be blunt – I feel like crap. My body is in chaos with this darn ulcerative colitis. There are days when a banana does some shocking things to my body. Then there are days when I want to sleep all day. But through it all, I keep telling myself:  “you’re not in the hospital”, “you’re still going to work”, “you’re still able to see your friends”, “this is manageable”. Though admittedly, some days I struggle to believe my own positive self-talk….

So it seems like this article that has been floating around Facebook for a few days caught my attention at just the right time: How to Get Flat Abs, Have Amazing Sex and Rule the World In 8 Amazing Steps.

This article kind of sums it all up.