You guys are awesome! Thanks so much for the emails, Tweets, Facebook comments and messages – it really does make a huge difference to my emotional and physical well-being. This past week has been a trying one.

The good news is that this flare is so far very mild. This is the tricky aspect to it all. I feel pretty good (apart from wicked stomach pains) and the typical symptoms. My energy levels are still excellent. And really this flare is not “impacting” me that much. This is why it’s hard. My body and brain want to get out and ride, run and do all I can – but I need to be careful – dial back the intensity and just ride and run for the joy of movement.

If I’m careful, maybe, just maybe this flare won’t take over like has happened so many times before.

I’ve switched up my diet to be very simple – smoothies for breakfast and lunch, fresh-made juice thanks to my super juicer, steamed vegetables for supper – hopefully this will help and keep things from getting out of control.

Along with this I am still riding my bike. I’m riding to work (only working three days a week now). I’m getting out on my mountain bike for some fun in nature. I started doing some gentle running again (calf muscles are very angry). I know some of you will think I’m crazy and that I should stay home and “rest” – but really this is not the solution. I feel good and I need to move my body. Sitting at home and doing nothing will only make me depressed and this will definitely not help me get out of this flare. I’m not doing anything crazy or anything that will put me at risk – I’m riding but no intervals, I’m mountain biking but not racing, I’m running but very gently. I’m also going to add in a home yoga practice – I was going to a great morning power yoga class with Eryn and I thoroughly enjoyed and benefited from it – but early morning yoga or any yoga class is not really “flare friendly”…

I’m optimistic that this won’t get nasty and that the summer will still be a good one. I sincerely hope you’re having a good weekend and are smiling and having fun. Enjoy and follow your passion because this is what it’s really all about.

This is hard. Really freaking hard. So hard that I stared at this screen and didn’t know how to get started. I’ve got so many emotions running through my brain and I really don’t know how to get them out or even make sense of them. One moment I feel like crying, the next I feel like punching something, the next I just shrug my shoulders and think “oh well”.

I’m sick again.

I haven’t been feeling great for the last couple of weeks. My gut has been cranky. My mood has been off. I generally have not been myself. Guess these are the signals that my body is getting ready to rebel and take over.

I don’t really know what else to say. I’m slowly learning that life with ulcerative colitis is a roller coaster. At least I can be happy in that I did make the most of the healthy times I’ve had. I managed a remission from September until the middle of May and I did a lot in this time: cyclo-cross racing, commuting to work, skate skiing, snowshoe running, spending lots of quality time with friends and family and simply enjoyed life.

So damn frustrating. I have no idea how long this flare will last or if it will get really “bad”. Time will tell I guess.

What I really hate about this whole thing is the way it impacts Marc. Last season he was stressed out and worried about me and this wasn’t good for his health and riding. And now here we are again. I don’t want this to impact his racing, riding, training and well-being – it just isn’t fair that two people have to be dragged down by it.

Okay, now I’m crying so I have to stop writing. Just promise me that you do something fun and awesome today.

For a long time I identified myself as a bike racer. I rode my bike to get strong and powerful for bike racing. If there was a road race, criterium or cyclo-cross race I was there. I lined up a lot and race a lot. I liked it. I loved it. This racing fuelled me. I saw the world thanks to bike racing and I met so many fantastic people thanks to bike racing. I did things I never imagined I would ever do.

Last year, I decided to quit bike racing. It had been a rocky few years with this darn ulcerative colitis and a scary injury to my back and then getting sick again last May. That was it – I was done. I needed to get healthy and just ride my bike for fun. No more racing. No more training plans. No more race stress. No more self-imposed expectations. I would ride if I wanted and if not well, I wouldn’t ride. I felt content about this decision. Then September rolled around – the local cyclo-cross season was starting and thanks to modern medicine, I found myself in a remission.

Hmm, why not race? It will be fun and get me out riding. Oh man, I was freaked out and nervous. I wasn’t even sure I could get around the course – zero fitness and little to no energy. But I went. I lined up. I pedaled. I smiled. I had fun. In fact the most fun I’d had in a very long time at a bike race. I was simply riding and doing what I could. I didn’t worry about who was ahead of me or behind me. I just rode. I had nothing to lose but so much to gain. Admittedly it was hard to not be at the front duking it out with fast Ottawa girls. But I learned so much more about myself from racing with the very limited tools I had. But what made it so much more than I could have ever expected were the people – people cheering me on, the other women who I raced against hugging me after the race, the encouragement from others, seeing the young teenage girls learning and thriving, and just being so welcomed into such a community of people. In years past, I would never have experienced this – doing a serious pre-race warm-up, racing and then quickly changing and zipping off for a long cool down ride.

And now here I sit. Last week was a rough week. I was tired. Really tired. For the first time ever, I didn’t do my planned work-outs. In fact I didn’t even feel like riding my bike. On Wednesday I tried really hard to convince Marc that I was ready to quit. That I didn’t want to race anymore. That I hated the scheduling and programming of my life around work-outs. That I was missing out on so many other things. Luckily Marc is a very strong and steady voice of reason and calm…

On Friday I did feel a bit better and after a good talk with my coach, I felt even better. Plain and simple – I was tired. It had been a big training block and it was natural to feel so tired. We’d continue with the planned work-outs and take a rest week this week. Perfect. The riding this weekend went really well. And there was proof positive that I’m learning – on Sunday I started to get quite tired at around the four hour mark of my planned five hour ride. My legs felt heavy. I was starting to feel a bit cold (some kind of weird temperature shift happened). My work-out plan was four to five hours – so in an uncharacteristic move, I elected to cut the ride short and ride for 4.5 hours. I recognized that I was tired and that forcing out the extra 30 minutes wouldn’t really give me anything.

And now I’m thinking about racing. I registered for the eQuinelle Grand Prix – a criterium that promises to have some very fast ladies lining up. I have no idea what to expect. I haven’t raced my road bike in a very long time. I used to love racing my road bike. I used to really love racing criteriums. So I’ll go and see what happens. So am I a racer again? Yes, yes I am a racer again. But I’m not the same racer I was. Instead of being compelled to race every race possible and to chase UCI points and results – I simply want to race. To line up and have some fun. Take some chances, attack, recover, finish upright and at the end of it all – be satisfied with the day. Last year I couldn’t do this and I would never have imagined that I’d be able to do it again.

Often it takes a big moment to make you really understand why you do that thing you do. Experiencing this big moment is a good thing and I’m glad I’ve gone through it.

On Tuesday morning in my yoga class, my yoga instructor talked to us about approaching our yoga practice with a beginner’s mind. Essentially this means, leaving ourselves open to possibilities, opportunities and discoveries. To not get caught up in repetition or routine.

I found this to be an excellent reminder of how to approach my yoga practice and so many other aspects of my life. Often our lives become so routine – we repeat patterns over and over until things generally start to feel mundane. Remember your first few weeks at your current job? Everything was so new – the people, your role, the way the company operates, etc – after a while this changes and it is so easy to get sucked into not being as stimulated and challenged as you were in the beginning. Or think of your training rides – you likely have one route you choose for short intervals, another for tempo rides, another for threshold efforts and then your favourite long ride loop – some days it seems so boring to go out and ride those same roads.

If you find these patterns and routines happening – try to remember what brought you to yoga or to your bike or to the new job in the first place. Remember how excited and challenged you were in the early days of your training routine and day-to-day life routine.

This is something I’ve been trying really hard to embrace. On the bike this is still quite easy for me since last season I wasn’t able to ride any of my favourite training routes – this season I’m making up for it the best I can. As for work, well one of the good things about being a technical writer is that I’m challenged everyday – to write documentation that explains complicated concepts to others as well as to learn and understand the software I’m documenting. On the yoga mat, I try to really listen to my instructor and understand how I can “release my shoulder blades” or “tighten my triceps” or “use my core”.

I suppose the beginner’s mind really comes down to not losing sight of why you’re doing what you’re doing. Remember why you chose to do it in the first place.

So this is a new thing for me. Today I didn’t do my work-out. I had planned to do it. In fact I was pulling on a leg warmer when the decision was made… The thing is, I’m tired. I’ve been tired since Saturday but didn’t really want to admit it.

On Sunday, I didn’t want to ride. I blamed the wind and the cold. Normally these things are not a problem for me. I made myself go out because I knew I’d hate myself for not going. In the end, I’m really glad I went out and rode.

Monday was a weights day. So I got up at 5:00 a.m. and made my way to the gym for my weight work-out. I felt tired all day and sleepy but basically brushed it off.

Today, well I got up at 5 a.m. again and went to yoga class. I felt good – really good. Then the fatigue set in. I found myself being grouchy at work for no reason at all. I ate foods I don’t normally eat. I felt like I needed some coffee to wake up. Yes, tired.

But still I planned to do my ride. Luckily I have a very smart, caring, and patient husband. Mid-leg warmer pulling up, Marc came upstairs and highlighted how I’ve been the last few days: grouchy, sleepy, and just generally wiped out. My response was “I’m just tired. I need to go ride”… If Marc hadn’t been there to reason with me, I would have dragged myself out for my ride.

Why would I have done this? Because I’m programmed to do so. I’ve always done what I’m told to do. If the calendar says ride for four hours – I ride for four hours. If I’ve planned to cook three new recipes this week – I cook the three new recipes. If we’ve run out of chopped celery and carrots – I get up early and chop them because we have to have them. If the newspapers are making a mess in the living room – I tidy them up and likely move a bunch of other stuff around as well. Because this is the way I am…

But sometimes this is not the right way or best way to be. There is being focused, driven, hardworking, and dedicated and then there is not listening to my body when it is telling me to slow down and take a breath. So today I’m doing it. It is a beautiful day outside and I’m siting here on the chesterfield. I watched Top Chef Canada, ate some food, had some tasty cookies, and now I think I’ll read. The dishwasher needs to be emptied, we’re out of chopped celery and carrots, I haven’t made the lunches for Wednesday, and the laundry needs to be put away – oh well – that is what Wednesday is for.

This is not easy. Inside, my brain is saying:

Missing this work-out could be my downfall come cyclo-cross season – there is a reason why I was supposed to do start intervals today – and now I’m not doing them. I really shouldn’t have eaten those cookies – even though they were made of super healthful ingredients. I don’t know what I’ll do for lunch tomorrow or what we’ll have for supper on Wednesday. Yeesh, I should have gone for that ride.

I know it will all be fine in the end, but damn it’s so hard to fight the programming.