As I sit here in Wilmington, NY, it’s raining and coldish. I don’t like to use the word cold since the temperature is above 0 and isn’t anywhere close to -40 but you know what I mean…

My training schedule says I’m supposed to go out for a 2.5 – 3 hour hilly ride…. Hmm. I’ve packed all the gear – rain jacket, booties, gloves, hat, thermal long-sleeve, and leg warmers. But as you can tell, I’m not riding. I’m sitting inside listening to the rain.

I feel slightly conflicted about this. I’m trying to build myself into a racer again so shouldn’t I be out training – regardless of the conditions? The “old” me of the 2007 – 2011 era would be out there right now. Heck, I’d be an hour into my 3 hour ride… And here I sit.

I think this is okay. Yes, I want to be a racer again. But I’m more about the fun of it now. I have some goals I’d like to achieve, but I’ve said from the beginning of this process that if I don’t think I’m ready or I don’t feel ready when the time comes, then this is okay. The journey and the process has been worth it.

Now, some of you might be reading this and thinking “nice excuse for not achieving what you want” or “cop out”. Oh well, that’s your opinion. And I guess if you have this opinion, then you don’t know me or haven’t been down the same roads as I have.

So if I’m not trying to justify my reasons for not riding, why the post? I guess because if I learned anything from my post about self-doubt, it’s that I’m not alone here. Maybe if more of us started being more honest with ourselves and with one another, we’d all be a little bit happier and a heck of a lot more content with the amazing gifts we do have. Or maybe I am just trying to justify my not riding…  Who really knows? Besides, this time next week, I’ll have ridden up Alpe d’Huez so I think a rest day is a-okay today.

(Alright, I’m going back to my colouring. Yes, colouring – don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.)

Focus on the process, listen to your body, and train well: all things you already do well!

(My coach is a keeper.)

It seems to happen ever so slowly. Sneaking up very quietly. When you’re not watching. All of a sudden it’s in your head and you can’t shake it. You talk to yourself about it. You think about it. You know it’s not rational. But still you can’t shake it. It eats at you. It starts to consume you. It percolates into everything you do. Suddenly you’re stuck. You can’t move. You feel like you’ve lost it. You’re scrambling. You don’t know what to do.

Guess what? You’re human. This happens to everyone. (Why do you think I’m writing about it? Why do you think it’s been so long since my last blog post?)

Goddamned self-doubt. No matter what I say or do, it’s there. Like a big black cloud, ready to erupt and soak through to the bone. I trust in the process. I know there’s a plan. But still. I’ve got it eating at me. My numbers. Oh the numbers. The damn numbers. I need more watts. I need less kilos. I need. I need.

Really? Do I really need this? Why not just be so thrilled to be pedaling? Why not be ecstatic about the freedom to ride? Why is this not enough? Because I’m human. I want. I want. I want more. I want to be the best I can be.

Am I doing enough? Should I do more yoga? Should I rest more? What if I eat less carbs? Maybe I need to read about fat adaptation? Maybe I should take some different supplements? Maybe my saddle is not in the exact right spot? How can I make my technique better and smoother? How? How?

Yes, that self-doubt is there. It’s around me. But all I can do is all I can do. (A smart guy keeps telling me this.) But sometimes it isn’t enough. I’m smart – I know this stuff. But still.

It’s tempting to pack it in. To modify the goals. To adjust my expectations. But then what? What have I got? What am I doing?

It’s silly yes. I know this. But I can’t help it. I wonder if everyone feels like this? Or maybe I’m the only one? Do other people line up and feel like they’re either going to barf or crap their shorts? Am I the only one questioning if I’m strong enough? If I’m fast enough? If I’m ever going to be thin enough? If these damned shorts make my legs look massive? If today will be the day when I just feel good out there?

Where does that confidence that the others have come from? What are they doing to get this confidence? I need. I want. Please?

12 days since my last post? Yeesh, remember when I used to post everyday? I guess either I have less to say or I’ve got more things on the go… oh well, I’m here now so that’s a good thing.

It was while I was driving into work this morning that I realized I hadn’t posted in a while. Isn’t it interesting how our minds drift while we’re driving? Zooming down the highway at 120 km/hour and our brains are doing a big old dance in side our heads bouncing around from thought-to-thought. Sometimes I realize too late that I didn’t even hear the lyrics to the song that was being played or I missed the news update entirely – because my brain was too busy chattering. Not good. Something I definitely need to work on – being fully in the present.

Speaking of the present, life is good these days. I finally feel that I’m at a point where my health is stable. Very stable. I often forget that technically I am still a sick person. When I think back to the roller coaster I’ve been on for too many years with this ulcerative colitis, I can honestly say that I didn’t ever really believe I could be in a stable remission for so long. I do know that this could all come crashing down any day, but I can’t worry about this. Take the day for what it gifts me and do my best with it – this is the only way I’ve figured out how to live with chronic disease.

I’ve been riding. Riding a lot again. I’m loving it. Slowly but surely my legs are starting to wake up. I’ve got a long way to go to get back to where I finally feel fit and strong again. But, there are steady improvements and this is very encouraging. When I started on this path of training with my old coach Steve Weller again after a long hiatus, I really didn’t know how my body would respond. Would I end up flaring again? Could my body tolerate the training load and stress? Could I handle it mentally? Well, so far so good. I crave riding and training right now. This is a great thing.

One thing I’ve stopped doing is running. My running days are long behind me. When I came back from Mexico in March I developed some intense foot pain in my right arch. It was so sharp that it hurt to just do nothing. After many physiotherapy treatments and discussions with my physiotherapist, I decided to hang up my trail running shoes. It’s interesting I don’t actually miss running… I miss being in nature. But that’s okay because very soon it will be mountain bike season and I’ve got a very sharp and swank Opus 29er in my garage that is begging to be ridden. (Taking it out Limerick tomorrow for a fun little recovery ride.) I noticed today that the nagging hamstring pain I couldn’t shake, the residual calf tightness, the slightly sore lower back and my foot pain have finally all subsided – all signals that stopping running was the smartest choice for me.

Life hasn’t been all about biking and not running… Nope, I’ve been busy with normal adult stuff like colouring. Yes, colouring. I’m hooked on the adult colouring craze. Honestly, it is so relaxing and meditative. I can colour for a good couple of hours and my mind is completely quiet. No chatter at all. I used to knit, and I enjoyed it but I never found it to be that relaxing – I’m slow at it and I could never just groove into it. But with colouring all I have to do is choose a colour and fill in the white space. Going over the lines is completely okay as well!

To feed my sense of wanderlust, I started reading Thru-Hiking Will Break Your Heart by Carrot Quinn (thanks to Kim for the recommendation). In this memoir Carrot writes about her experience hiking the Pacific Coast Trail. This book is a great read. Carrot’s website is very interesting as well.

Alright, this is getting a bit wordy (even for me). I hope you’re having a good one and making the best of the day.

“It’s a promising day” – this comes from the last line of an email I received this morning from my mom. This email and this sentence came at the perfect moment – I was feeling a bit moody and in a funk. I have no idea why – I woke up like this and I simply couldn’t shake this for-no-good-reason mood.

As is typical for me, a bike ride, some sunshine, some good podcasts and a bit of sweat contributed to turning me around. I kept on repeating “it’s a promising day” in my head as I was pedaling and soon enough I could feel myself feeling better and happier.

I’ll leave you with this video that features an ultrarunner named Anton Krupicka who I think is a very interesting fellow. He sums up nicely in this short video what it is that makes for a promising day (and life).

(I tried to embed the video but for some reason the Vimeo iframe code simply wasn’t working…)