I’m sitting here in a hotel in Holyoke, Mass – just around a 20 minute drive away from every cyclocross racer’s favourite park – Look Park. Yes, it is the Cycle-Smart International weekend of racing. This used to be one of my favourite race courses. A good mix of technical and power with lots of twists and turns to separate those who can “drive” their bikes from those who can’t. Look Park itself is also a great venue – lots of walking/running trails, a beautiful river and just a relaxing place to hang out. The crowds always come out for this race and apart from the racing,  there seems to be lots of time to catch up with long-time cyclocross pals. So yeah, we like coming down here, racing, cheering, and hanging out.

This year of course, I’m not racing. Same deal last year. Last year it felt a bit frustrating to have to watch the elite women’s race. This year not so much. I think I’m finally ready. Ready to not be a serious competitive plan-driven must-train-at-all-costs don’t-eat-the-cookie athlete.

Earlier in the week I was chatting with Marc about skate skiing and trail running. I told him how I wanted to get a coach, get a plan and get really super fit again. How I needed to get in shape and ready for the Gatineau 51 Km ski loppet in February and the Ultimate XC 23 Km trail race in July. I went on about getting faster, stronger, leaner and focused again. Marc sat and listened. And then he simply said “No, you don’t need a coach or a plan. You just need to get back to 100% health and get active again. The fitness and strength will come. Just go out and do. Go skiing with you friends. Go trail running with you friends. Go snowshoe running. Just do.”

(Have I told you how lucky I am to have Marc in my life?)

At first I bristled at his comment. But then – well then I thought about it. Yes, he is right. I just need and want to get out there and move my body. I’ve spent years following structured training plans. I missed out on long rides with friends because my program said I had to do VO2Max intervals. I missed out on all-day hikes in the Gatineau Park and a latte afterwards because I had to go lift weights and then do a three hour ride. But back then, that was fine – that was what I wanted. Now, not so much.

Sure I still want to get fit and strong again. And yes, I want to be able to ski the Gatineau loppet in a decent time and still be able to balance on one leg at the end of it all. But above all else – I just want to be outside having fun and moving my body. I’ve got these small goals to look forward to and to be honest, they’ll help me get out the door when it’s raining or crazy cold outside – but they won’t force me out the door if it’s raining or freezing cold…

It’s happening gradually this transition and I’m finally okay with it. Today we’re off to Look Park for day two of the racing. It promises to be another great day. One of those days I just need to appreciate for being able to be outside and cheering on Marc while he rips around on his bike. Can’t really ask for much more. Tomorrow I’ll go to dryland ski training and bumble my way around Mooney’s Bay park – the entire time I’ll listen to my body and remember that it’s not always a race.

I’ve been quiet. There has not been anything to tell you. Quite frankly, I have grown weary of being sick, talking about being sick, and living the life of a sick person. For a while I was able to trick myself into believing I wasn’t sick – but I learned this just isn’t the correct approach. This approach lends itself to covering up and hiding from true feelings and emotions and if there is one thing I’ve learned this summer – emotions and mental health are not to be covered up or ignored.

I had some days where I really just sat and wallowed in sadness. I felt sorry for myself. I felt sorry for Marc. I just felt sorry. Not good but maybe necessary.

Necessary to make me appreciate and recognize that there are so many good things happening now and to look forward to. Through-out this entire flare, I’ve avoided hospitalization and while there were weekends when I didn’t dare leave the house – I was still much better off than many other sick people.

It is not easy for me to say that I’m sick. But I’ve come to accept this. I have a chronic illness. It will never go away but it will go into remission. It won’t kill me but it does at times make my life highly unpleasant and not nice.

These are the cards I’ve been dealt. And my only option is to make the best of them.

Today I did something huge – I went for a 90 minute walk. This was massive for me. It was so refreshing to be outside and to not be worried about where the nearest bathroom was or what I would do if I couldn’t find one in the 10 second window my colon affords me. Today I just walked. Not fast. Not slow. Just moved my body. It was a great feeling.

Small steps are being made in the right direction. I just need to remember to keep things in perspective. I’ve got some goals that I want to accomplish in 2014 and I’ve got my sights set on how to get there. But right now, I have to focus on health rather than fitness. Being rather than doing. There is lots of time for me to rebuild my fitness, strength and endurance.  For now it is long steady walks, low intensity yoga, dryland nordic ski training and learning  how to calm the mind to help the body recover.

So this is where I’m at. Sorry there are no race reports, training updates or posts about bike racing, cyclo-cross or trail running. Fingers crossed that there will be soon. But more than likely I’ll be writing about skate skiing and snowshoeing…

Well, yesterday I spent eight hours at my local hospital. Never have I been so happy to spend eight hours in the emergency room….

At the end of a long day I  got to talk to another gastro doctor. During a very eye-opening discussion about my ulcerative colitis treatment so far, he pointed out that I’m lacking a long-term medical plan. But beyond this he said “what you have right now is not quality of life. There is no reason why you shouldn’t expect to return to racing your bike and doing the things you enjoy”.

Wow – this was more powerful than any medicine I’ve had so far. I finally felt like I wasn’t a crazy person for wanting to believe that I could get back to doing the things I enjoy. This doctor also said that even though my current gastro doctor says my disease is “not that serious” this really isn’t the case – that it is serious… Phew, more medicine for my brain.

Fingers crossed that the light that I believe is at the end of this tunnel does come to fruition.

I appreciate your still reading and commenting, even though has become less and less about cyclo-cross, bike riding, trail running and the fun stuff in life. I plan to return to regularly scheduled activities as soon as I can.

Right now, I’ve got my sights set on getting out for the first dryland cross-country ski training session of the season with the Natural Fitness Lab crew. This is new to me – normally I’m off racing my bike at this time of the year. But this year I decided to embrace change and get myself super ready for a fun season on the skate skis.

(If you follow me on Facebook, you’ll remember that I posted about some new goals/targets… Well, so far, I’ve got the Gatineau Loppet in February 2014, the UltimateXC (distance undecided) in July 2014, and the BC Bike Race in 2015. In between all this, there will be nice long rides, mountain biking, trail runs, snowshoe runs, a few lattes and lots of smiles.)

Happy birthday Dad – hope you had a great day!!!!

Earlier this morning I was sitting here generally feeling sorry for myself.  To be blunt – I feel like crap. My body is in chaos with this darn ulcerative colitis. There are days when a banana does some shocking things to my body. Then there are days when I want to sleep all day. But through it all, I keep telling myself:  “you’re not in the hospital”, “you’re still going to work”, “you’re still able to see your friends”, “this is manageable”. Though admittedly, some days I struggle to believe my own positive self-talk….

So it seems like this article that has been floating around Facebook for a few days caught my attention at just the right time: How to Get Flat Abs, Have Amazing Sex and Rule the World In 8 Amazing Steps.

This article kind of sums it all up.

Kind of hard to believe, but it is the second weekend of September and for us that means one thing: cyclo-cross season. In years past, I would be thinking about, stressing over, obsessing about, and dreaming about cyclo-cross well before September (usually in June). This year, like last year is a different one for me – a new type of cyclo-cross season.

Sure I’m racing but not like I used to race – there are no races in the U.S. or flights to the Czech Republic or months spent living in Belgium. Instead I’m going back to where it all started, The Eastern Ontario Cyclo-Cross Series. This is where I first discovered cyclo-cross, wayback in 1994 thanks to Marc. I did my first race at Conroy Pit on my Specialized Rockhopper with toe clips. I remember it being so hard but yet so fun. Who knew that first race would eventually set me on this path to connecting with and meeting (most) of you? Thank goodness for Conroy Pit and the Ottawa cyclo-cross series.

This weekend we’re in Williston, Vermont for the first two races in the New England Verge Series. The races are held at the Catamount Outdoor Center – I love this venue – great race courses, always a good group of spectators, the parking lots lend to chatting and catching up with pals – just a good vibe all around.

When I think of it, this is kind of where it all started for me when I moved up to the elite category. This was where I raced my first serious races as an elite (I had raced as an elite in Rhode Island, moving up mid-way in the season). I had been training all winter and summer to be ready for the season kick-off. I don’t remember the race at all. But I do remember being a bundle of nerves, back then I’d be so nervous I’d break out in an itchy invisible rash the night before races… I remember Marc being so patient and being a very calming voice in the pit.

Those first races here a few years ago were a big deal for me – when I learned that hard work and focus does pay off. That setting your mind to something and working towards it is the only way to live life.

Have fun out there, whether you’re racing, pitting, or cheering – this is a great time of the year.