There, I did it. I’m telling you how I really feel right now. No sugar coating. No optimism. No positivity. The truth – this sucks and I hate it.

I’m sitting here on Saturday morning listening to CBC radio. Marc is off at the time trial at the Mississippi Mills stage race. My good friends are on their way to Kingston, riding the Rideau Lakes Cycle Tour.

And here I sit. Missing out. Couldn’t go to the TT because of this damn ulcerative colitis. Couldn’t participate in RLCT this year again because of this damn ulcerative colitis.

It is so hard to remain positive and optimistic.

My new medicine (the hated prednisone) is giving me insomnia – I can’t sleep and the sleep I do get is loudly interrupted by my growling guts. I feel lethargic and wiped out. The antibiotics are making feel gross as well – tastes like I’m sucking on tinfoil all day.

I know, it could be worse. Blah blah blah. I don’t really care about how much worse it could be. It is the summer and I’m trapped by this body that has once again betrayed me.

Angry. Frustrated. Forlorn. Lost. Confused. Sad. This about sums up my emotions right now.

This is a big weekend for cyclists in the Ottawa and surrounding area.

For racers, tourists, new cyclists and those curious about cycling – it is the Rideau Lakes Cycle Tour. This is a fantastic event that sees cyclists riding from Ottawa to Kingston – following a range of routes that vary in distance from 100 km to the 220 km. Riders are treated to excellent care and support from Ottawa Bicycle Club members, local cycling and sporting goods store employees/owners and a range of volunteers. Bags are transported, sag wagons are provided, on-road support is provided and the police are out making sure everyone is safe and riding properly. For those staying at Queen’s University in Kingston, there is all the chocolate milk you can drink (though those glasses are pretty darn small!), lots of tasty food, good accommodations and a great venue to unwind and relax after a long day in the saddle.

I’ve only done Rideau Lakes once – and it was one of the most fun times I’ve ever had on a bike. I remember remarking to one of the folks in my riding group who is a former racer, that it was the first time I’d “lined up” for an event on my bike that wasn’t a race. It was a completely new experience, and one that I wish I was doing again. Since that first RLCT experience (the famous year when it poured with rain and the wind howled all the way home on Sunday), I’ve registered but haven’t been able to do the event – always thanks to youknowwhat.

Here’s to a safe, fun, friendly and enjoyable ride to Kingston tomorrow. Do me a favour and in Westport be sure to stop at the general store/gas station and have can of Cream Soda (so good during a long ride) and eat a Fudgesicle and a mint Aero bar for me – that sugar will get you over that last hump. And besides – you deserve it. Congrats for such a huge accomplishment.

The other big event going on this weekend is the Mississippi Mills Stage race. This is the second year for this event, organized by Ride With Rendall. The racing kicked off today with first stage and it looks like it will be  a great weekend of racing and post-race story telling. It is very nice to see a local club stepping up and organizing such a huge event. It is a massive undertaking to organize a four-stage stage race along with separate races for those not racing with an elite men’s, M1 or U19 men license.

All the best to those folks who are out racing in the cold wet conditions this weekend. Remember to thank your team car drivers, your team managers, your feed zone people, and most of all the organizers who have worked hard to give you this racing opportunity.

If you’re sticking close to Ottawa this weekend, check out the Nepean BMX Facebook page for updates on the racing at the track on Saturday. Things could change depending on the weather conditions. It is so great to have this new race track in Nepean/Barrhaven – and most of all it is a real treat to see kids of all ages zipping around with big grins on their faces.

You guys are awesome! Thanks so much for the emails, Tweets, Facebook comments and messages – it really does make a huge difference to my emotional and physical well-being. This past week has been a trying one.

The good news is that this flare is so far very mild. This is the tricky aspect to it all. I feel pretty good (apart from wicked stomach pains) and the typical symptoms. My energy levels are still excellent. And really this flare is not “impacting” me that much. This is why it’s hard. My body and brain want to get out and ride, run and do all I can – but I need to be careful – dial back the intensity and just ride and run for the joy of movement.

If I’m careful, maybe, just maybe this flare won’t take over like has happened so many times before.

I’ve switched up my diet to be very simple – smoothies for breakfast and lunch, fresh-made juice thanks to my super juicer, steamed vegetables for supper – hopefully this will help and keep things from getting out of control.

Along with this I am still riding my bike. I’m riding to work (only working three days a week now). I’m getting out on my mountain bike for some fun in nature. I started doing some gentle running again (calf muscles are very angry). I know some of you will think I’m crazy and that I should stay home and “rest” – but really this is not the solution. I feel good and I need to move my body. Sitting at home and doing nothing will only make me depressed and this will definitely not help me get out of this flare. I’m not doing anything crazy or anything that will put me at risk – I’m riding but no intervals, I’m mountain biking but not racing, I’m running but very gently. I’m also going to add in a home yoga practice – I was going to a great morning power yoga class with Eryn and I thoroughly enjoyed and benefited from it – but early morning yoga or any yoga class is not really “flare friendly”…

I’m optimistic that this won’t get nasty and that the summer will still be a good one. I sincerely hope you’re having a good weekend and are smiling and having fun. Enjoy and follow your passion because this is what it’s really all about.

This is hard. Really freaking hard. So hard that I stared at this screen and didn’t know how to get started. I’ve got so many emotions running through my brain and I really don’t know how to get them out or even make sense of them. One moment I feel like crying, the next I feel like punching something, the next I just shrug my shoulders and think “oh well”.

I’m sick again.

I haven’t been feeling great for the last couple of weeks. My gut has been cranky. My mood has been off. I generally have not been myself. Guess these are the signals that my body is getting ready to rebel and take over.

I don’t really know what else to say. I’m slowly learning that life with ulcerative colitis is a roller coaster. At least I can be happy in that I did make the most of the healthy times I’ve had. I managed a remission from September until the middle of May and I did a lot in this time: cyclo-cross racing, commuting to work, skate skiing, snowshoe running, spending lots of quality time with friends and family and simply enjoyed life.

So damn frustrating. I have no idea how long this flare will last or if it will get really “bad”. Time will tell I guess.

What I really hate about this whole thing is the way it impacts Marc. Last season he was stressed out and worried about me and this wasn’t good for his health and riding. And now here we are again. I don’t want this to impact his racing, riding, training and well-being – it just isn’t fair that two people have to be dragged down by it.

Okay, now I’m crying so I have to stop writing. Just promise me that you do something fun and awesome today.

For a long time I identified myself as a bike racer. I rode my bike to get strong and powerful for bike racing. If there was a road race, criterium or cyclo-cross race I was there. I lined up a lot and race a lot. I liked it. I loved it. This racing fuelled me. I saw the world thanks to bike racing and I met so many fantastic people thanks to bike racing. I did things I never imagined I would ever do.

Last year, I decided to quit bike racing. It had been a rocky few years with this darn ulcerative colitis and a scary injury to my back and then getting sick again last May. That was it – I was done. I needed to get healthy and just ride my bike for fun. No more racing. No more training plans. No more race stress. No more self-imposed expectations. I would ride if I wanted and if not well, I wouldn’t ride. I felt content about this decision. Then September rolled around – the local cyclo-cross season was starting and thanks to modern medicine, I found myself in a remission.

Hmm, why not race? It will be fun and get me out riding. Oh man, I was freaked out and nervous. I wasn’t even sure I could get around the course – zero fitness and little to no energy. But I went. I lined up. I pedaled. I smiled. I had fun. In fact the most fun I’d had in a very long time at a bike race. I was simply riding and doing what I could. I didn’t worry about who was ahead of me or behind me. I just rode. I had nothing to lose but so much to gain. Admittedly it was hard to not be at the front duking it out with fast Ottawa girls. But I learned so much more about myself from racing with the very limited tools I had. But what made it so much more than I could have ever expected were the people – people cheering me on, the other women who I raced against hugging me after the race, the encouragement from others, seeing the young teenage girls learning and thriving, and just being so welcomed into such a community of people. In years past, I would never have experienced this – doing a serious pre-race warm-up, racing and then quickly changing and zipping off for a long cool down ride.

And now here I sit. Last week was a rough week. I was tired. Really tired. For the first time ever, I didn’t do my planned work-outs. In fact I didn’t even feel like riding my bike. On Wednesday I tried really hard to convince Marc that I was ready to quit. That I didn’t want to race anymore. That I hated the scheduling and programming of my life around work-outs. That I was missing out on so many other things. Luckily Marc is a very strong and steady voice of reason and calm…

On Friday I did feel a bit better and after a good talk with my coach, I felt even better. Plain and simple – I was tired. It had been a big training block and it was natural to feel so tired. We’d continue with the planned work-outs and take a rest week this week. Perfect. The riding this weekend went really well. And there was proof positive that I’m learning – on Sunday I started to get quite tired at around the four hour mark of my planned five hour ride. My legs felt heavy. I was starting to feel a bit cold (some kind of weird temperature shift happened). My work-out plan was four to five hours – so in an uncharacteristic move, I elected to cut the ride short and ride for 4.5 hours. I recognized that I was tired and that forcing out the extra 30 minutes wouldn’t really give me anything.

And now I’m thinking about racing. I registered for the eQuinelle Grand Prix – a criterium that promises to have some very fast ladies lining up. I have no idea what to expect. I haven’t raced my road bike in a very long time. I used to love racing my road bike. I used to really love racing criteriums. So I’ll go and see what happens. So am I a racer again? Yes, yes I am a racer again. But I’m not the same racer I was. Instead of being compelled to race every race possible and to chase UCI points and results – I simply want to race. To line up and have some fun. Take some chances, attack, recover, finish upright and at the end of it all – be satisfied with the day. Last year I couldn’t do this and I would never have imagined that I’d be able to do it again.

Often it takes a big moment to make you really understand why you do that thing you do. Experiencing this big moment is a good thing and I’m glad I’ve gone through it.