A few weeks ago I swam in my very first swim meet.

This was huge for me. So many unknowns. So many doubts. So much anxiety and stress.

But I did it. I am very fortunate to have a very good friend (and swim coach) who encouraged me to do the meet and provided the steadiness I needed on the day.

I swam the 200, 100, 50, and 800 events – all freestyle. Each of these events felt like they were over before they started.

I had one goal for the day – swim in a straight line. Yep, it’s harder than you think to do this. So my focus was on staying on top of that black line at the bottom of the pool. This goal and focus helped calm my brain from trying to think of all the swimming things.

I’m not going to sugarcoat it – I was super nervous before my first event, the 200. So nervous that while standing behind the blocks I had a bit of a panic attack. For me this results in tears simply pouring from my eyes. For the people around me this was startling. But I expected this to happen and knew (hoped) this would settle.

And guess what? It did.

All it took was jumping in the water and getting set for the start. No diving off the blocks for me.
Once I was in the water, I focused on the starter and listening for the beep. After that, it was a blur.

Once I swam my first event, the panic and intense nerves were gone. I did it. And I knew I could do it again.

I should tell you that during the warm-up for the meet, I did have some serious doubts. In fact at one point, I thought “this pool is too big, there is no way I can swim 50 meters.” Yep, I was nervous. Fortunately, I have a bit of experience in pushing back these kind of fears and was able to counter this thought-process with something along the lines of “you swam 1,000 meters in practice last week and you can swim 4,000 meters in the open water – so you can do this.”

Everything about this swim meet was a positive experience. The people, the vibe, the swimming, the feeling of accomplishment, and the fatigue. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

And guess what? No one cared that I didn’t dive off the blocks or that I was one of the slower swimmers. I was there and I was doing it.

This swim meet did something big for me. It gave me confidence. This confidence has trickled over into other parts of my life. I notice I’m playing better hockey with my Friday afternoon gang. I’m swimming better in my regular swim practices.

Most importantly, I believe in myself. I know I can do hard things. I know I can overcome self-doubt. I know I can.

Remember the swim I wrote about a couple of weeks ago?

I did it! I swam 7,200 meters! I swam for 3.5 hours. I hit two new milestones – farthest swim and longest swim.

And guess what? Once I got in the water it was just like breathing. Left arm right arm breathe. I just kept on swimming.

I was fortunate to have my own lane so I didn’t get caught up in keeping pace with other swimmers or stressing about my pace time. Instead of swimming on a set pace time, I took a 15 second rest after every 100 meters and about a one minute or so rest after every 1,000 meters.

I just swam at whatever pace felt right for me in that moment. And it worked. I was in control of my breathing. My brain stayed uncluttered (mostly). I thought about all the lessons I’ve had from my different swim coaches and I just kept swimming.

At about 5,000 meters I did start to feel a bit chilly. Likely because I was slowing down. It was at around this point, the 2.5 hour mark that I had to move to a 25-meter lane in the main pool. I felt a bit sluggish from getting out of the water and settling into a new rhythm. But I got right back into the groove. Left arm right arm breathe.

At 6,000 meters I was still cold. I decided to put my fins on for some free speed. This is when I realized how much I had slowed down. Even with fins on, I was swimming slower than the swimmers around me. I kept on with my strategy of a 15 second rest after every 100 meters and hoped I would warm up.

At 7,000 meters I was still cold. I decided to do some kicking for 1,000 meters. Well after 200 meters I decided that was enough. My entire body was drained.

I really wanted to swim for the full four hours. I didn’t make it. And that’s okay.

I’m proud of myself.

This swim was also a big experiment for me with nutrition, my ileostomy, and my pouch. I had one bottle of Biosteel, one bottle of water, and one bottle with flat Coke and water and I had three Fruit2 bars. I made sure to stay on top of my hydration and eating. But, this wasn’t enough for me.

I learned that I need more calories. Good lesson learned.

My ileostomy behaved. In fact, I only thought of my pouch once, when I got out of the water to switch lanes. Otherwise, it was as if I had a regular body.

I did bring my usual recovery drink for after the swim. I did not drink it. I could not face it. What I really wanted was McDonald’s. And I had planned to get myself a strawberry shake, chicken nuggets, and a cheeseburger – but this could not happen.

I had a bit of extra stress on the way to the swim. It was pouring rain during the drive. And all of a sudden, the wipers on my car stopped working. Yes, stopped working. I could not see anything. Fortunately I was close to a gas station. I pulled in. Called Marc. Then called my friend Aimee who saved the day. She came and picked me up.

However this meant that both of us only made it to the pool in the nick of time. But guess what? I had zero opportunity to stress about the swim! I was dealing with the car instead.

I resolved to forget about the car and focus on the swim. The car could wait. I did think about it a few times during the swim and when I did, I could feel myself tensing. So I pushed the car out of my brain. And reminded myself to control the controllables.

After the swim it had stopped raining. So I drove straight home. No detours for McDonald’s. Guess the strawberry shake, chicken nuggets, and cheeseburger will have to wait until after the 2024 iteration of the 100 100’s.

Yes, still feeling proud of myself. (And this is not something I say out loud or even write down. So yeah, this 7,200 meters was a big deal for more reasons than might be obvious.)

A reminder that I can do hard things. And that even with setbacks and not the ideal training leading up to this swim, I still did it. I didn’t let doubt and lack of self-confidence take over. I’m proud of all these things. In fact, if I had the shoulder flexibility, I’d give myself a pat on the back and say “Bravo!”.

Thank you to everyone who sent me messages while I was swimming. These really made me smile. And right now thinking about your messages makes my eyes a bit blurry.

You are doing it.

And stay calm. It’s just swimming. You know how to do this.

Tomorrow I’m doing a thing. It’s a thing I wanted to do in 2022 and 2021. Both years I signed up and then changed my mind.

Those two years, I let anxiety and fear take over. This year is different.

I’ve been pretty chill about this big swimming thing. Until about 20 minutes ago. Just got the email with lots of instructions and information.

Self-doubt snuck back in.

But I’ve shoved it away. I can swim. I can do this.

So the big swimming thing is “100 100’s”. 100 sets of 100 meters. 10,000 meters.

I won’t complete the distance. I know I’m not fast enough (yet) and I don’t have the endurance or strength (yet) to do the full event.

I’m doing what I can. Swimming at a steady manageable pace.

I told myself I would try new things and not wait until tomorrow. It’s time to push the comfort zone.

(I’ve got a big swimming goal on the horizon for 2025 so this swimming thing tomorrow is a good step towards it.)

Tomorrow between 3 p.m and 7 p.m – feel free to send me this message over the cosmic airwaves: “left arm right arm breathe keep swimming you are doing it”.

This morning I met up with a dear friend. We had a long and meandering catch up.

Our conversation hit all the emotions with both of us getting watery eyed over the possibilities and opportunities that come with hope, raising our voices in excitement over creative ideas, high-fiving for standing up to the people who can be better, and cheering each other for taking chances and being true to ourselves.

There is something about this person that inspires me to be me. Yep. Not to be more. Not to be better. Not to be different. To be me. To be true to me. To do what I know feels good deep down in the very bottom of my soul.

We talked about the importance of living a life you feel happy with. A life that gives you value. A life that matters to you. To do this you need to know who you are.

This reminded me of a blog post I wrote a while ago talking about how I’m not doing all things. How I was turning off my alarm, rolling over, and going back to sleep. How I was okay with this because, well, there is always tomorrow.

This blog got a few comments on Facebook. But the one comment that stands out and that I think about on an almost daily basis is this one:

“Tomorrow is fine, until you realize that there are less tomorrows than yesterdays.” Thank you Ross Knight for writing this.

You hit a chord. You gave me the shake up I needed. You reminded me that it’s today that matters.

This morning I mentioned this comment to my friend. And this sent us down a path of talking about a life well lived, making every moment count (thank you Sindy Hooper), making the time for people, and what is really truly valuable in life.

I’m not a fan of the “squeeze every minute out of every day”, “never waste a day”, “live each day like it’s your last”, or “no regrets”. For me, these mantras set me up for failure, angst, pressure, and stress.

When I was in my 20’s and 30’s I spent a lot of time anxious about how I wasn’t making a difference. I was stressed because I believe everyone has a reason for being here, and I hadn’t found my reason. I hadn’t made my difference. I hadn’t done that thing that was going to change someone else’s life or help them or leave a meaningful impact. What was the point of this life if I wasn’t doing this? What was I doing? I felt like I’d been gifted this life but I couldn’t figure out how to repay this gift to give it value. What was my thing? What was my unique talent?

Yeah. It was a lot to be living under. A lot of pressure. A lot of expectation. A lot of tears. A lot of not knowing. A lot of fear about not finding the thing that I was put here to do.

And now here I am.

When I got home this afternoon, Marc was in the backyard with a young kid and his dad. They were riding their ‘cross bikes around and Marc was helping the young boy with ‘cross skills – dismounts, mounts, barriers, corners, and just having fun.

Seeing this filled me up.

Because this is it. It’s the little things. The making time for a friend. The smile you give a stranger. The small acts that tell someone that you see and support them. The acceptance of people for who they are in that moment.

The accountability of being human.

There can be no tomorrow on this. It has to be today.

No. Everybody does not poop. I do not. It is physically impossible for me to poop. And the same goes for an estimated 135,000 people living in Canada.

Sure some of these people have colectomies or urostomies so they do actually poop – but they don’t do it the same way as you.

Me. I’m totally different from you. (Unless you have an ileostomy. And if you do – welcome to the cool kids club!). I don’t have a colon. I don’t have a rectum. I don’t have the lower part of my small intestine.

Gone. All of it. And I’m never ever getting back.

I’m forever thankful to the brilliant surgeons who chopped out these organs and put my body back together so I can actually live and enjoy life. Finally, I kind of sorta get to be like you.

If you’re new to knowing about me or reading this blog then this might be a bit of a shock…

Instead of a colon, a rectum, and a butt hole – I have a stoma, an ileostomy, and a pouch. And this is how I get rid of food waste. For me it’s not poop – need a colon to make this, and I don’t have one.

A stoma is the part of my small intestine that sticks out of a hole in my abdomen. It’s through this stoma that I get rid of food waste (technically called chyme). Now this doesn’t just fall on the floor or into my pants – that would be sticky. This stuff is collected into my pouch.

The pouch is basically a small bag that is attached to my abdomen over top of my stoma. Chyme, stomach acid, and gas leaves my body through my stoma and goes into my pouch. I empty my pouch in the toilet. Unlike you, I don’t have sphincters to control when stuff empties into my pouch. So unlike you, I have zero control over how and when my body eliminates food waste.

So unlike you, eating is a big deal for me.

I need to think about what I’m going to eat, when I’m going to eat, and what I’ll be doing after eating. I have to plan my eating very carefully around activities like grocery shopping, attending work meetings, meeting up with friends, going for a walk, riding my bike, playing hockey, going swimming, sleeping, attending concerts, etc. Essentially every activity I do during my day requires me to think about what I might, want, or can eat.

The pouch attached to my body is stuck there with super sticky glue. But sometimes this glue fails. When this happens it is unfun. And messy. This is why I can’t just let my pouch fill up. This can cause a leak and frankly it’s uncomfortable.

Imagine if you taped a balloon to your abdomen and slowly filled it with water. The balloon starts pulling on the tape on your skin. And it starts expanding in size, making it tricky to move your body.

The other thing about my pouch is that I have to change it every 3 – 5 days. Things don’t stick to your skin forever. Think of how hard it is to get a band-aid to stick to your skin. Yep, same situation with a pouch. There are lots of sticky potions and sprays that I use to make my skin tacky to help the flange (this is the part of the pouch that sticks to my skin) stay put. But as you know, nothing is perfect.

So, why am I telling you all this? Because today, October 7 is World Ostomy Awareness Day.

A day for people like me to do our part to raise awareness of how lucky we are to have this second chance at life. It’s a day for us to be extra thankful for the brilliant surgeons, researchers, doctors, and nurses who devote their lives to making my life possible. It’s a day to celebrate how much of a gift it is to be alive.

I’ve said this before but it’s so important, I need to repeat it again: my ileostomy saved my life.

True fact. Without it, I would be dead.

Before August 8, 2016 I was at my physical and mental breaking point. Ulcerative colitis made living extremely painful. I did my best to hide this – so if you knew me before my surgery date, it’s very likely you had no idea how hard living was. Geez, I’m so relieved I kept at it.

Because, look at me know!

When I had my surgery, I gave my stoma a nickname. (Cause this is what us cool kids do – we give our small intestines a nickname.)

I called mine: Reset.

Reset let me hit the reset button my life. It’s my second chance. Reset lets me live and do all the things. Reset makes sure that there are zero limits on what I can do. Reset is a reminder that life is short. Reset keeps me alive.

Thanks Reset – I owe you more than I can ever explain.

Thank you to the super awesome colorectal surgical team at the Ottawa Hospital. Thank you to Dr. Gauthier for agreeing to take my colon out and gifting me Reset. Thank you to Dr. McCurdy for taking such super care of me and understanding that ulcerative colitis is not just about the physical health but also mental health.

Happy World Ostomy Day!

And in case you’re wondering what a person with an ileostomy looks like. Here’s a photo: