Two weeks ago I received a call from the Civic Hospital with the date and time for my pre-op appointment. This was a very welcomed phone call. However, I still don’t have a surgery date. All I know is that it will happen “sometime in April”.

So now I wait. I’m trying not to count ahead in the calendar and guess when the surgery could be. This is completely out of my control. But, it’s hard for a planner like me to not be able to plan. I like schedules, to do lists, and a bit of organization in my life. I like to save the serendipity and fast-and-loose living for vacations and lazy days.

So, I guess if anything this waiting period is forcing me to be a little bit more fast-and-loose with my long-term planning. I don’t know when I’ll be in hospital or when I’ll be getting on with my recovery. All I know is that it will happens sometime in the next five weeks. So I wait.

The thing is, today I got out for my first road ride of 2018 and it was super fantastic. It took a bit to readjust to the geometry of my ‘cross/road bike – bit different from my fat bike. But soon enough I was rolling along with Big Red (this is my nickname for my bike and was also my favorite gum as a kid).

This ride really was a gift. I didn’t expect to get out for a road ride until well into late June or early July. While I enjoyed every moment of the ride, I’m now trying to figure out how I can squeeze in as many road rides as possible before my surgery. See the thing is, I haven’t been feeling all that great lately.

In fact, I think this is the first time since my original diagnosis in 2009 that when asked how I’m feeling I answer with a variation of “not great”, “sick”, “pretty crappy”, or “tired of being tired”. This is what makes the waiting so much harder. The surgery and the recovery are my light at the end of the tunnel – but it’s so hard to keep looking forward when I have no idea where forward is.

In a way, I hope we get a massive snow storm and then a massive rain storm everyday until my surgery and for the first few weeks of my surgery. At least then, the feeling of missing out and not being able to do what I want would have less of a sting.

But, this likely won’t happen. So, instead I stay busy and try not to think about something that is going to happen but I don’t know when. I signed up for a hand building pottery class at Hintonburg Pottery – oh it is so great. The first class was last week, it was 2.5 hours of pure relaxation – I didn’t think about anything – I just focused on the big lump of clay in front of me.

Okay, well this has gotten a bit long. Now you know what’s going on. Don’t worry – I am fine. Lots of waiting. Lots of tiredness – but this doesn’t mean I can’t go out for a bike ride,  supper, meet up for coffee, etc. Life has to keep on going. And really all things considered, with what is happening in this great big world of ours, a bit of waiting and some tiredness are just specs in a big dirt pile of chaos and problems.