I’ve had a week or so to let the reality set in. I’m sick and there is not much I can do about it. It is my reality right now. I hate it. But it can be and has been worse. I’ve tried the “resting” thing… I’m not very good at it, nor do I think it really helps me. For me an idle body is a very active mind that churns away thinking of all things I’m not doing and can’t do.

Well, I’m done with this. Don’t worry, I’m not about to go out and run for three hours (though I’d like to) or do a five hour epic on the bike (though I’d like to). No, instead I’m going to move and get out when I can and want. On Saturday I went for nice easy 63 km – it felt great to be out pedaling. I didn’t worry about my wattage, speed, pace, etc. I just pedaled. I listened to podcasts, drank water and let it all go. Definitely the type of medicine and therapy I need right now.

Today I didn’t do much, an easy yoga routine at home and then I spent the afternoon hanging out with friends and cheering on Marc and his team at the Preston St. bike race. I have to tell you that those four hours of being outside talking to people, cheering on the big and little kids and just being and doing were so very awesome. So much better for my progress than any drug, rest, or diet modification. Just seeing and being around people who are happy, uplifting and seizing the day, makes a big impact on my mental and physical self.

This is the perspective that I needed. Yes, I’m sick. Yes, it sucks. Yes, I hate it. But you know what, I can handle it. And thanks to all of you for the supportive words, the hugs, the patience when I’ve been less than fun to be around and for being understanding.

Thanks for the inspiration – and for reminding me that this will be okay.

There, I did it. I’m telling you how I really feel right now. No sugar coating. No optimism. No positivity. The truth – this sucks and I hate it.

I’m sitting here on Saturday morning listening to CBC radio. Marc is off at the time trial at the Mississippi Mills stage race. My good friends are on their way to Kingston, riding the Rideau Lakes Cycle Tour.

And here I sit. Missing out. Couldn’t go to the TT because of this damn ulcerative colitis. Couldn’t participate in RLCT this year again because of this damn ulcerative colitis.

It is so hard to remain positive and optimistic.

My new medicine (the hated prednisone) is giving me insomnia – I can’t sleep and the sleep I do get is loudly interrupted by my growling guts. I feel lethargic and wiped out. The antibiotics are making feel gross as well – tastes like I’m sucking on tinfoil all day.

I know, it could be worse. Blah blah blah. I don’t really care about how much worse it could be. It is the summer and I’m trapped by this body that has once again betrayed me.

Angry. Frustrated. Forlorn. Lost. Confused. Sad. This about sums up my emotions right now.

This is a big weekend for cyclists in the Ottawa and surrounding area.

For racers, tourists, new cyclists and those curious about cycling – it is the Rideau Lakes Cycle Tour. This is a fantastic event that sees cyclists riding from Ottawa to Kingston – following a range of routes that vary in distance from 100 km to the 220 km. Riders are treated to excellent care and support from Ottawa Bicycle Club members, local cycling and sporting goods store employees/owners and a range of volunteers. Bags are transported, sag wagons are provided, on-road support is provided and the police are out making sure everyone is safe and riding properly. For those staying at Queen’s University in Kingston, there is all the chocolate milk you can drink (though those glasses are pretty darn small!), lots of tasty food, good accommodations and a great venue to unwind and relax after a long day in the saddle.

I’ve only done Rideau Lakes once – and it was one of the most fun times I’ve ever had on a bike. I remember remarking to one of the folks in my riding group who is a former racer, that it was the first time I’d “lined up” for an event on my bike that wasn’t a race. It was a completely new experience, and one that I wish I was doing again. Since that first RLCT experience (the famous year when it poured with rain and the wind howled all the way home on Sunday), I’ve registered but haven’t been able to do the event – always thanks to youknowwhat.

Here’s to a safe, fun, friendly and enjoyable ride to Kingston tomorrow. Do me a favour and in Westport be sure to stop at the general store/gas station and have can of Cream Soda (so good during a long ride) and eat a Fudgesicle and a mint Aero bar for me – that sugar will get you over that last hump. And besides – you deserve it. Congrats for such a huge accomplishment.

The other big event going on this weekend is the Mississippi Mills Stage race. This is the second year for this event, organized by Ride With Rendall. The racing kicked off today with first stage and it looks like it will be  a great weekend of racing and post-race story telling. It is very nice to see a local club stepping up and organizing such a huge event. It is a massive undertaking to organize a four-stage stage race along with separate races for those not racing with an elite men’s, M1 or U19 men license.

All the best to those folks who are out racing in the cold wet conditions this weekend. Remember to thank your team car drivers, your team managers, your feed zone people, and most of all the organizers who have worked hard to give you this racing opportunity.

If you’re sticking close to Ottawa this weekend, check out the Nepean BMX Facebook page for updates on the racing at the track on Saturday. Things could change depending on the weather conditions. It is so great to have this new race track in Nepean/Barrhaven – and most of all it is a real treat to see kids of all ages zipping around with big grins on their faces.

You guys are awesome! Thanks so much for the emails, Tweets, Facebook comments and messages – it really does make a huge difference to my emotional and physical well-being. This past week has been a trying one.

The good news is that this flare is so far very mild. This is the tricky aspect to it all. I feel pretty good (apart from wicked stomach pains) and the typical symptoms. My energy levels are still excellent. And really this flare is not “impacting” me that much. This is why it’s hard. My body and brain want to get out and ride, run and do all I can – but I need to be careful – dial back the intensity and just ride and run for the joy of movement.

If I’m careful, maybe, just maybe this flare won’t take over like has happened so many times before.

I’ve switched up my diet to be very simple – smoothies for breakfast and lunch, fresh-made juice thanks to my super juicer, steamed vegetables for supper – hopefully this will help and keep things from getting out of control.

Along with this I am still riding my bike. I’m riding to work (only working three days a week now). I’m getting out on my mountain bike for some fun in nature. I started doing some gentle running again (calf muscles are very angry). I know some of you will think I’m crazy and that I should stay home and “rest” – but really this is not the solution. I feel good and I need to move my body. Sitting at home and doing nothing will only make me depressed and this will definitely not help me get out of this flare. I’m not doing anything crazy or anything that will put me at risk – I’m riding but no intervals, I’m mountain biking but not racing, I’m running but very gently. I’m also going to add in a home yoga practice – I was going to a great morning power yoga class with Eryn and I thoroughly enjoyed and benefited from it – but early morning yoga or any yoga class is not really “flare friendly”…

I’m optimistic that this won’t get nasty and that the summer will still be a good one. I sincerely hope you’re having a good weekend and are smiling and having fun. Enjoy and follow your passion because this is what it’s really all about.

This is hard. Really freaking hard. So hard that I stared at this screen and didn’t know how to get started. I’ve got so many emotions running through my brain and I really don’t know how to get them out or even make sense of them. One moment I feel like crying, the next I feel like punching something, the next I just shrug my shoulders and think “oh well”.

I’m sick again.

I haven’t been feeling great for the last couple of weeks. My gut has been cranky. My mood has been off. I generally have not been myself. Guess these are the signals that my body is getting ready to rebel and take over.

I don’t really know what else to say. I’m slowly learning that life with ulcerative colitis is a roller coaster. At least I can be happy in that I did make the most of the healthy times I’ve had. I managed a remission from September until the middle of May and I did a lot in this time: cyclo-cross racing, commuting to work, skate skiing, snowshoe running, spending lots of quality time with friends and family and simply enjoyed life.

So damn frustrating. I have no idea how long this flare will last or if it will get really “bad”. Time will tell I guess.

What I really hate about this whole thing is the way it impacts Marc. Last season he was stressed out and worried about me and this wasn’t good for his health and riding. And now here we are again. I don’t want this to impact his racing, riding, training and well-being – it just isn’t fair that two people have to be dragged down by it.

Okay, now I’m crying so I have to stop writing. Just promise me that you do something fun and awesome today.