Sigh. Not sure really what to tell you. So I’ll just come out with it. I gave it all I had today. I pushed and pushed and pushed. But my body is just not responding the way I need it to. This is not because I’m over-trained or improperly trained. Nope, I’m sick. Sick in a way that can’t be fixed with a good night’s sleep and some cold medicine.
I don’t talk to much about my ulcerative colitis on this website. The main reason for this is I like to believe that I can race and train through anything. That the ulcerative colitis doesn’t slow me down. That I’m an athlete who can beat this disease and show others that anything is possible. Well, right now I’m not feeling this way. Right now I feel as though the ulcerative colitis is winning. I’ve been sick since the middle of May. I’ve been training through this ridiculous bout of ulcerative colitis for a long time now. I’ve had to remove gluten, dairy, fruits, vegetables and anything with sugar in it from my diet. On race days I pack myself full of extra-strength Immodium and hope it works. But obviously it isn’t. I’m frustrated. I’m angry.
I’ve worked too damn hard and come too darn far to have this ulcerative colitis take over. I wish this was a mental thing. I wish this was a physical thing. But it isn’t. It is a medical thing. All I can do is hope that I’ll get better. That I’ll go into a remission and I’ll be back to myself. I guess the only thing I can do is keep training and racing like I have in the past. This determination and focus has got me to this point. I just have to trust in what I’ve done and keep on doing it.
My focus for each race has to change from focusing on the results sheet and taking what I can from each and every race. Each race is a learning opportunity for me now. I have to focus on my technical skills and keep pushing my technical limits. The physical is here. I know it. And when it all comes together – when the ulcerative colitis takes a back seat – well, I’ll really be flying then!
Many thanks to Marc for being a rockstar today. He had a solid race and then quickly changed his focus to me. For this I’m overwhelmed and feel really blessed. I’m so darn frustrated that I’m not putting up the results that we both know I can produce. Also big thanks to my parents for being out there today. My dad helped out in the pit and got to do his first bike exchange – it went perfectly – thanks Dad. Thanks to you for the cheering and words of encouragement. I really do appreciate it. I wish I could do better for you – but it will come.
Now is a time that I have to believe in myself more than ever. Focus. Determination. Dedication. Support. Passion. These things got me here. They’re going to keep me here. They’re going to get me through this. I just know it.
(To read my race report, click on over. I’ll see you all out there tomorrow to fight another day.)