Thanks so much for the kind comments, emails, posts on Facebook and Twitter in response to my post last week. To say last week was a hard week would be an understatement. I’ve had a feeling for a while now that the 2012-2013 cyclo-cross season would not be happening for me but until I emailed my sponsors and posted on my website, it just didn’t seem “real”.

I’ve had days when I’ve felt sorry for myself. Days when I’ve been downright angry at the world. Days when I feel super good and decide to take up trail running or register for the BC Bike Race. Yes, a roller coaster is what I’ve been riding lately. For so many years now I’ve self-identified as being an athlete. And now, well now I’m not sure who I am. Yes, I know that deep down I’m still the same person but without having my cycling goals and dreams driving me, I’m struggling to find something to get me as equally inspired.

Going through this helps me understand why many athletes keep competing well past their prime – it is hard to know what to do when the bike is put away or the hockey stick is finally put down. Now I know that I’ve got so many other awesome things in my life and of course many other interests but for so long, these have really taken a back seat to my driving passion – racing my cyclo-cross bike. From what I ate to what we did on the weekend to how we planned our “holidays” to the job I had – everything was centred around cyclo-cross.

It is strange I have lots of free time now since my evenings are not spent pounding out intervals on Malakoff Road and my weekends are not spent on four and five hour rides or hours spent in the woods working on cyclo-cross technique. You’d think I’d be super busy now and be filling up my time with other interests. Sadly this has not happened. I feel like I’m in limbo – secretly hoping that I’ll wake up tomorrow and my ulcerative colitis will have gone into remission and I can get back to my life. I’ve got things I want to do but they’re all on hold until I’m healthy again. Yes, I have some interesting writing projects that are almost done – but frankly there is only so much time I can spend in front of the computer.

This is where I would normally write something like “well, no more of this wallowing and waiting for something to happen (remission) which I know isn’t going to happen anytime soon – it is time to get busy and take action”… Well, guess what I’m not going to do this. I don’t think I’m ready. I’m learning that I actually need to go through a few stages mentally and emotionally before I’m ready to get “busy” again. I’m through the anger stage. I think I’m through the grief stage. I’m not sure what the next stage is – maybe false hope or disbelief?

For now, well I’m going to head out on my road bike for a nice and gentle road ride. I may look at my power meter – I may not. I’ll be listening to some of my favourite music (likely my 2011-2012 cyclo-cross season warm-up playlist) and podcasts. On Sunday I’m heading out for a ride with a young whippersnapper of a rider – we’re taking our cyclo-cross bikes out for some trail riding in my favourite training grounds – I hope I can keep up with this young speedster.

I’m going to be okay. It is tough. Damn tough. But it will work out. Life is not all about the bike but darn if it isn’t a huge part of my life. Everyone should be so lucky.

Frankly I’m at a bit of a loss for words, so maybe it is best to simply include the email that I sent this morning to my sponsors:

This is a hard email for me to write and I am writing it with a heavy heart… I will not be racing in the upcoming 2012-2013 cyclo-cross season. Unfortunately I’ve been battling with a very rough bout of ulcerative colitis and based on my doctor’s recommendation – I have had to stop training.

Thanks so much.

We’re off today to Lac Megantic for the Canadian National Masters Road Racing Championships. Marc is racing in Friday’s road race and Sunday’s criterium. I’ll be there as a support person: bottle holder, cheerleader, cook and super fan. It has been a while since we’ve loaded up our trusty Matrix and hit the open road for a weekend of racing and all things bikes.

It is strange this year to be at road races and not be racing. At first I really didn’t want to be at the races and would purposely avoid watching the women’s races (particularly the races I had planned on doing…). But now after some time, I’ve come to a much more balanced place. Sure I’m not racing. But I can still enjoy being at the races and most importantly still reap the rewards that my bike gives me.

I started racing way-back-when because I loved riding my bike. And now during this summer of non-racing and training, I’m back to where I started. Riding for the pure joy of it. I honestly think this is a valuable experience for racers of all levels – simply get out and ride without thoughts of the next race, last weekend’s race or the impending set of intervals. Just get on the saddle, clip in and pedal.

When I look in my garage I have four bikes to choose from: road bike, cyclo-cross bike, BMX bike, and my city bike. Each affords me a different adventure. Each gives me that ticket to freedom and lets me forget about what I’m not doing and revel in what I am doing.

This weekend I know will be excellent. Lots of men and women out racing and cheering on one another. The post-race talk is often as entertaining as the racing itself. All in all it is simply going to be another great weekend – all thanks to the innocent two-wheeler.

If you’re out at Lac Megantic this weekend and see me in the feed zone with my nose in my Kindle or out huffing and puffing up the hills – stop me and say hello. Safe travels to everyone this weekend.

There is nothing better than a race weekend.

It is easy to forget about the little things that make a big difference in the grand scheme of things:

• Riding and not worrying about watts.
• A friendly chat with a stranger in line at the ATM machine on a busy Saturday afternoon at the grocery store.
• Friends coming together to help out someone in a tough time.
• Listening to voicemail from wee little Henry (my 2.5 year old nephew) – that kid has stolen my heart.
• Seeing Marc’s face light up when he talks about his young team mates.
• Time to sit and read.
• Peanut butter.
• Smiles and laughter.
• Riding with a young speedster and enjoying a coffee shop stop on a hot Saturday day.

At first glance it might seem that this post is not related to bike racing or training but if you look between the lines – you just might see that these little things really do make a big difference in how you ride your bike. We all find inspiration and courage in different ways and places. Count yourself lucky if you can put together a list of “your little things”.

This is not the summer I had planned. In fact it is the stark opposite of the summer I had planned. For a few days, I wallowed in not having the summer I had planned.

But now I’m in a new place. Now I am savouring the summer I have. I’m riding my bike. Some days only for a short 45 minutes and other days I can coax two hours out of my body. Some days I can’t ride at all. But I’m riding. There are no intervals. There are no training plans.

There is just me and my bike. I ride how I feel. I ride how my body will let me.

Definitely not what I had planned but I’ll take it. There is some freedom with this kind of riding. Something that as a bike racer is taking some getting used to. I long for the intervals and five hour rides – but I know these will be there when the time is right.

Right now the time is right is to listen to my body and ride when and how I can. Thanks to the bike for giving me this perspective.